More Questions for Dad

Posted by Bruce Ham on January 4, 2013 

This Christmas season has brought about more questions than answers. One would think that with time I’d be more up to speed on girls, teens, and young ladies. But the longer I live without a woman as my guide, the more I just do not understand.


Help!

*Why do you need regular bras and sports bras? Is it not like boxers or briefs? Make up your mind and stick to it girls! They don’t even play sports -

*And what’s up with the ones that just stick to your bosom? It’s peel and stick – like a “To/From” tag on your Christmas present. What good does that do? How can that help? Why do we need those?

*Any why do they wear out so quickly? I was told recently that two bras in this house “died.” Should we have a service? Are they just pulling my strings? I have boxers I’ve worn for twenty years. They may sag a bit, but who cares? That just makes them more comfortable. No one sees them but me. A nd that’d better be the case for them too!

*When should a girl be allowed to wear mascara? Stephanie and Michelle put some on when they got dressed in their costumes for the play. It must have been Maybelline’s “new volume” brand cause they looked like a tarantula had been emblazoned on their eyelids.

*That same night I learned that soap will not remove mascara and that turpentine hurts when it gets in your eyes. That’s what I use when stuff won’t come off. Is there a chisel to remove that stuff?

*Why is it that I can’t get the girls to press their clothes and yet they’ll spend hours on end ironing their hair? Yes! They iron their hair. Not with like an ironing board - its with a $100 mechanism that cooks stuff on both sides – sort of like a waffle maker but without the little sqaures. I’m tempted to use it for grilled cheese sandwiches.

*And the one with the curls desperately wants hers straight. And the one with the straight hair is looking for curly. Why didn’t God just give them what they wanted from the get go? Some cruel joke.

*Someone recently gave me the name of a woman to see if the girls had “skincare” needs. Their skin looks alright to me, I specifically looked. I mean, I buy them soap and Target brand lotion – what more is there to the care of their skin? I guess I could buy cucumbers – I think Mommy Dearest used them on her eyes. Maybe they need a mud mask. I have dirt in the storage room…hum. I fear my inaction is gonna cause wrinkles or those brown spots my grandma had when Mary Kay was washed off.

*They all want their own stuff, why can’t they just share? Do we really need more than one brush? I remember Lisa freaked out when I ran out of deodorant and began using hers. I sort of liked it – thought of her every time I raised my arms. This must be related. I think its selfish.

I just don’t want to screw up; I don’t want to do anything wrong. And sometimes I think they’re just yanking my chain. There are so many things I just don’t understand.

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