Pet Peeves

Posted on May 24, 2013 

toenail fungus

I once dated a girl who went crazy when we came up to a double stoplight with different colored green lights.  “I HATE that,” she’d say as she covered her eyes.  The lights are supposed to be the same color green.  It’s so unbalanced.  It was weird.

My pet peeves are pretty normal, and all should be outlawed!

#1:  It’s allergy season and our family takes an inordinate number of Claritin pills.  I actually went to the Rite Aid last week to buy a Claritin D and they wouldn’t let me have one.  I was blocked by the federal government.  They think I’m running a meth lab.  Look at my teeth, I’m not!  We all just have allergies.  I bought the plain stuff, sans the D.  The medication works well, but getting the pill out of the clear plastic/aluminum foil packet is a bitch!  Several times I’ve jabbed a corner of the sharp, pokey, square directly into my cuticle.  It’s like a paring knife.  They ought to ban those from airplanes.  It hurts like hell!

#2:  I take the steps at work each day.  I’ve been told it’s good for you.  I’m good at walking, my legs work fine.  But if I see an escalator, something changes within me.  Internally, my body and mind become prepared for a ride, an easy rise to my next destination.  When it’s broken, it’s like someone stole my candy.  I’m immensely disappointed.  Like my heart sort of sinks.  “Gee, the escalators broken.  I wonder what I’m gonna do.”

I was once at Chicago’s O’Hare airport.  It has one of the biggest escalators in America, dredging up from a basement walkway well under Chicago .  I had a small suitcase on rollers.  Didn’t do me a bit of good when I walked up and the frickin’ moveable staircase wasn’t moving.  I carried my bag up the 1,645 steps.  How irritating!

#3:  What’s up with the pinkish red juice that proceeds the ketchup when pouring from the bottle?  It’s nothing but a bun sogger.  What is up with that premature ketchupulation?

#4:  I can’t stand those commercials where the toenail monsters climb between the toenail and the toe.  They’re representing some kind of fungus.  It freaks me out to think about something hanging out in that area of my body.  YUCK.  When the little fungi minion comes on the TV, the kids quickly entice me into the den.  “Dad, you’ve got to see this – come here.”  When I arrive, I fall to my knees.  It brings me down, just brings me down.

#5:  Why can’t they make sleeping bag holders that are bigger than the sleeping bags that are designed to go in them?  They don’t make grocery bags the exact size of a gallon of milk!  It’s not like toothpaste.  Not only do you have to get it out, but you also have to put it back in!  I sit on the thing to get all the puffiness out, but you can’t roll it while you’re sitting on it.  I squeeze it tight, cinch it with a rope, but still can’t get the dang thing in the baggie.  You shouldn’t have to shrink-wrap your stuff to get it back into the container it’s stored in.  Ridiculous.

These are peeves that disturb my life.  Somebody do something!

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