Siri, the idoit

Posted by Bruce Ham on November 8, 2013 

apple-siri

Siri is an idiot. She's stupid, lazy and, hard of hearing. I am so, so done with her.

Today I asked her a simple question:

"Siri, find Starbucks."

There are several Starbucks but none are near you. The closest one is 316 miles from here.

"We are in Raleigh, NC, Siri. Not Bandekajaki, Afghanistan. There is a Starbucks nearby. You are a lying sack of wheat! I know there is one around here! Find it!"

Every time I raise my voice to her, she shuts down. Some crap about she doesn't understand what I'm saying. She must be a teenager.

Ask her to call home? You know what she asks me? Every blasted time...

"Do you want to call Home or Ed Brodie?"

Seriously. I ask her to call home and that is her response. Who in the hell is Ed Brodie? He does not live with me. "Ed Brodie" is not a nickname for my house.

If someone at work asks me to make a copy of an invoice, I make a copy for them. I don't respond, "Do you want me to make a copy of the invoice or eat a thumb tack?" That would be a stupid thing to say. It is also stupid when I ask Ms. Siri to call home to ask me if I want her to call frickin' Ed stinkin' Brodie! If I wanted her to call Ed Brodie, I would have said, "Call Ed Brodie," not "call home!!"

Last week Siri went on strike. Four times. I'd ask her a question and she would respond, "I'm really sorry but I can't take any requests right now."

Is she on morning break? Is she on hold with Time Warner Cable? Is she in the AFL-CIO?

She's a computer! Why can't she take a request? And to top it off, she says she's "REALLY" sorry. Not just a little, but she's extremely upset that she can't help me. I just don't think she's being genuine. I don't think she gives a crap about me. I think she's yanking my chain, gaslighting me.

She can't find the phone number for my mother. My assistant at work is Robyn Stamey - but no, she'll only dial Robin Johnston. Robin Johnston is the CEO of a very large company in town. What if I left him a message to hold the pickles on my boxed lunch and to be sure to include a chocolate chip cookie?

"Siri, call Jane Stogner."

I cannot find a number for Vanetta Quackenbush.

"AHHHHH. I REALLY hate you."

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