Elf on the Damn Shelf

Posted by Bruce Ham on December 27, 2013 

Posted by Danny

Have you ever heard of Elf on a Shelf? The guys who invented him should be beaten with a large Christmas Tree branch.

He is a little elf doll, about 12 inches high, wearing a red flannel body suit. He comes with a book. The book tells the story of your elf. It explains that each night he moves throughout your house and perches in a new spot for morning. He apparently watches you and gets messages back to Santa about your behavior.

He heard some cuss words tonight, and I didn't like the way he was looking at me after I said them. So, I put him in the glass pumpkin bowl that has leftover candy corn from Halloween. And then I shut the lid. We'll see who's cussing tomorrow.

This was Lisa's brilliant plan. She thought it would be cute - heard about it from a friend (it's good I don't know who that person is). She got it the Christmas before she died.

When there were two of us, we forgot to move the stupid thing several times throughout the holiday season. Today is December 15th and Ernie, we got to choose the name, has only changed places once. Well twice if you count the candy dish for tomorrow.

And Stephanie, who is just beginning to figure out this whole Christmas deal is NOT helping. She came down stairs yesterday and announced out loud to Michelle "Look Michelle, Ernie didn't move again!" Wink, wink.

If you had not opened your mouth, it is likely Michelle would not have noticed. Stifle Stephanie!

How many excuses can I come up with as to why he did not move? That is yet to be seen. However, here are a few:

"He can see the TV from there. I caught him watching Dancing With The Stars last night. Probably stayed so he could see who got kicked off."

"DJ had some behavior issues yesterday. I bet he wanted to continue to sit near her at dinner to see if things were improving."

"I think he's constipated. Probably ate too much candy corn. It's hard to fly around in that condition."

"Clearly he's lazy. That's probably why he's here instead of in the toy making factory at the North Pole. Santa don't put up with that crap."

As I learn to maneuver the holidays with this new life, I've been told I might need to change some of the traditions that are more painful to get through. I'm not sure if this is what they have in mind, but I wonder if Ernie needs a new job assignment. With this economy, maybe I could tell Michelle he got laid off. Now that's a believable story!

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