Daddy Vogue

Posted by Bruce Ham on February 28, 2014 

jcrew tennis shoes

I don't know if I'll ever get remarried.  Perhaps in time, but I guess I'm not in a rush.

My mom says that she's not going to die until I do.  If I want to keep her around, I should probably not - it might give her incentive to keep on trucking.

I have dated some.  The girls reaction has been funny.  They are supportive, but they find it difficult to believe that anyone would actually, without being under some sort of duress, would want to go out with me.

Me:  "DJ, I'm going out to dinner on Friday night.  Can you babysit?"

DJ:  "I guess.  What are you doing?"

Me:  "I have a date."

DJ:  "Seriously?"

The seriously isn't framed as I'm upset you're going out.  The tone behind the word clearly conveys Poor, poor pathetic woman.  To be desperate enough to go on a date with my dad - even if he is paying.

Someone told me to try online dating.  There may be a day that I get to that - but it sure isn't now.  I did, however, wonder what my profile might be:

Nearly 50-year-old widower

Skinny with slight love handles

Three teenage daughters (now that's a selling point)

Works for a nonprofit ($$$)

Will always love his deceased wife

Might write a tell-all book about you at some point in the future

I mean, who wouldn't be into that?

A few weeks ago I was heading out and went upstairs to give instructions to the troops.  DJ looked at me.

"Dad, are you meeting a woman?"

"Yeah.  Just a friend for a drink."

"Oh."

She continued, "Dad, I like your shoes."

"Thanks."

"I also like your pants."

"Thanks baby."  I am so very, very cool.

"However, I don't like them together.  Go change."

I began my defense, "These are cool tennis shoes and J Crew cords!  We're just going to a bar!  It's casual!  Uncle Jesse has shoes like this!"

"No.  No he doesn't.  This situation," she pointed to my lower extremities, "is not working."

I wasn't about to let a 16-year-old dictate my wardrobe.  I'm a confident man.  She couldn't tell me what to wear!

As I walked through the kitchen, I complained to Michelle, "Can you believe DJ told me to change my shoes?"

She glanced down from the iPad and down at my feet.  "Thank God."

As I slipped on my boots I was disgusted with weakness.

I really haven't dated that much and am in no big hurry.  It is difficult to find time.  But it is nice to occasionally hang out with females who aren't married to my friends or whose primary concern isn't acne.

 

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