"Thank you, I'll just have an orange."

Posted by Bruce Ham on March 21, 2014 

oranges

Dr. Goldman: "I think you should go gluten-free for two weeks. See if it helps."

Me: "What can you eat if you're gluten-free?"

Dr. Goldman: "Oh, there are lots of things you can eat without gluten."

That is a lie. If you go gluten-free, you can only eat oranges.

I returned home, hungry. I opened the snack drawer.

Wheat thins? Nope.

Goldfish? Nope.

Cheese-Its? Nah.

Maybe I'll order Chinese tonight - oh no, soy sauce has gluten too.

FRICKIN' SOY SAUCE HAS GLUTEN. How can soy sauce be made out of wheat? It's insane.

Finally, I purchased some items to make my two week food adventure a possibility. The new spaghetti noodles looked fine in the package. When I poured them out of the pot, they had grown. Not length wise, but in width. They were bloated - like the woman in the Midol commercial. And gray - talk about unappetizing. I felt like I was eating the stuff from Beauty and the Beast, "Try the gray stuff, it's delicious!" No, no it's not. I'll just have the sauce which I'm not even sure is g. free. But I didn't check because I'd already lost 3 pounds and it was only day two.

I bought some crackers, made from brown rice. You can't make crackers out of rice. I put one in my mouth. Tasted like a crispy paper towel or an old man's toenail.

I dipped it in pimento cheese - added jalapenos to cover the yuck. But I just kept thinking about my grandfather's feet. Un.

I haven't had a beer in 10 days. I can't eat lunch meat, my mid day staple. Bread? Forget about it.

Went to get dessert with a friend one night last week - bread pudding? Double chocolate brownie? Peanut Butter pie?

Nah, I'll just have nilla ice cream thank you.

I feel like I'm four years old.

I think I'll just have an orange. Bought two bags of them. At least I'll have my daily allowance of vitamin C.

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