The Olympics, they are coming. Soon inspiring stories of heartbreak and hope will be splashed across the front page of the paper, and, undoubtedly, on the news. Being TV-less, I am very, very out of MANY loops, and the Olympics are just one more. However, I would like to host some Olympics of my own. Note that all the events are ones that I would undoubtedly dominate, REGARDLESS of my age.

Like Dara Torres!! Whom, frighteningly, has already been referred to as "the story of the games." Newsflash, ABC or NBC or whoever the hell paid a billion dollars to televise the Olympics all the way from a country with an abysmal human rights AND environmental record, there will be many more "heartwarming" stories to crop up during the games themselves. Trust me! Don't put all your eggs in one swimmer's goggles!! At any rate...here are MY events, designed especially for ME and FLIPPER, of course.

Fastest Rise in Blood Pressure Due to Whining: I win this hands down. I have to take calming breaths about 5 times a day when she gets started, and what really sucks is that it is usually due to something I cannot help, like tiredness, and yet a nap at 5 p.m. is non-optional, unless I want to be kept awake until 2 a.m. Silver goes to the people that say, she wouldn't do it if it didn't work. WRONG. She whines because it makes her feel better. When you grow up, you simply replace the word "whine" with "complain." They are synonymous for the most part.

Best Catch-Up Sleep: Again, I am convinced I would be a very, very strong contender for the gold here. After three years of waking four to 10 times per night I am now crushing any competition from my dogs and averaging 10 hours per night. When will it end? Will it end at all? God, I hope not. It feels great. Actually, I think it will end when she is a teenager and sneaking out at night and getting in trouble and getting in car wrecks and running away ... oh wait. That was me.

Most Irrational: Flipper might eclipse me here. I find her maddening irrationality, desire to correct any slight deviation from the Facts As She Knows Them makes me clench my fists and then run upstairs to fling myself across the bed. Just last week I was making her some sort of semi-healthy snack-meal and told her it would take 15 minutes. But it took less time. Did this make her happy? Why, no. She stated about 11 million times, like some sort of possessed broken record that "it wasn't 15 minutes. It wasn't 15 minutes. It wasn't 15 minutes..." until I ran upstairs to keep from throwing her plate through a window. Or myself. Or her.

Well, three events to enter are enough. The days of Mark Spitz and the multi-even athlete are, sadly, over. And when the Olympics DO finally start, I will probably take myself to my parents' house to watch Dara compete. I can't resist.

Leigh appears every Monday on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Leigh at her blog Flipper and Me.