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Acceptance
The countdown's almost over. School’s practically out for some children. For others, it will continue.
Little Guy is one of the others. He’s one of the many little kids running around your neighborhood, your park and your school that has a "thing." And because of his "thing," he can’t afford a long summer off. He needs to practice all year long. So, he’s getting prepared to go back in after a short break.
The technical term for Little Guy’s thing is childhood apraxia of speech.. Apraxic kids take it all in, but can’t always get the words back out correctly. They know what they want to say, but what is actually spoken can end up being mumbled jumbled, especially at a young age. For some apraxic kids, reading is challenging, requiring many hours of additional work.
So this summer, Little Guy will be in school for a few weeks. He’ll make the best of it, as he always does.
But it kills me.
As a parent, there’s nothing worse than watching your child struggle. It’s heartbreaking to accept that your child will consistently have to work harder to keep up. That he could get to an age when his confidence could be compromised
I used to take Little Guy’s "thing" personally. I searched for reasons why. And holding true to mother guilt, it was always my fault. He was my second; I was a little slack in the reading department. I didn’t spend the time singing all those ridiculous baby songs and pointing out the color of the sky, the sun and the trees. I was cleaning with all sorts of chemicals before I knew I was pregnant.
When he could not be understood, I would quickly step in and explain why. When someone asked what country he was from, I promptly let all my expertise on how vowel sounds with apraxic kids may be different.
But something was wrong.
Each time I finished explaining, I felt as though I had betrayed Little Guy. I’d envy the mothers in my position that said nothing, who were perfectly comfortable letting you wonder what the "thing" was and were not going to give you any explanations because it was quite honestly, none of your business.
I longed to have their confidence and swagger. To be the kind of mother that understood the difference between divulging information on my own terms and feeling as though someone was owed an explanation. I wondered how they did it. What they knew that I did not.
These mothers had discovered the difference between accommodating and accepting. Sure, I was getting Little Guy the help he needed. He couldn’t have been working any harder. But even though I was fully versed in all aspects of Little Guy’s "thing," I still hadn’t accepted it.
Every time I offered up an explanation, I was reinforcing my own discomfort. Although I told myself all the explaining was to prevent others from labeling Little Guy, in reality, my explanations were helping create the labels in the first place. If I wanted to stop explaining, I had to start accepting.
The path to acceptance was not an easy one. I learned that as parents, we have to give ourselves permission to occasionally be frustrated, sad and even angry. We have to recognize that there will be moments when the grass on the other side will seem so much greener.
We also discover that we are not alone. That all children have a "thing." And we must learn to look beyond this "thing" to see our children as a whole. With all the little pieces blending together, making them as close to perfect as we feel possible.
Our challenge is acceptance.
Illyse appears Thursdays on TriangleMom2Mom.
Illyse Lane
Illyse is a TriangleMom2Mom featured blogger, appearing every Thursday.
She is a stay-at-home mom who also works as a freelance writer. She resides in Raleigh with her husband and two sons, ages 8 and 10.Originally from New York, Illyse fled the cold to attend Florida State University. After a brief return to life in the city, she relocated to Raleigh to work for GE Capital and has never looked back. Illyse is sure that as long as all the boys in her home continue to speak, she will have plenty of material to write about.
Comments
Perfect is overrated! Enjoy their foibles and imperfections as much as you enjoy their successes and talents...you will eventually find that the former provide for hilarious stories later in life!
Thank you for this post! My 4-year-old son has apraxia of speech as well. It's more common than I originally thought.
My son has made great strides in the last 6 months. He qualifies for continued speech therapy this summer, but because of my pregnancy, I've opted to take a break until fall. I work with him at home, though.
Do you know of any local support groups for apraxia? I'm a member of some (national) online groups but it would be neat to find something locally.
Honestly, I never looked for support groups, because I wasn't in the mood to share, if you can understand that. If you go to the website apraxickids.com, you may have luck, but it may be that's the one you are a member of.
It's great your son is doing well. It's so frustrating for the kids.
Feel free to e:mail me if you want to talk more about it!
Your post described how I felt for so many years. My almost 6 year old son has apraxia also. Thank you for writing this post.
Also, if there are other parents reading this whose kids have apraxia. I highly recommend the book The Late Talker (http://www.amazon.com/Late-Talker-What-Child-Talking/dp/0312309244/ref=s...). The book recommends fish oil for kids with apraxia. After checking with his pediatrician we tried it and he actually started adding words within 2 weeks. Although I don't know for sure if it helps, I personally think it did.
I just looked online and there doesn't seem to be a local support group. There is one in Charlotte and they have a website. Here is the link to the support group webpage http://www.apraxia-kids.org/site/apps/nl/content3.asp?c=chKMI0PIIsE&b=78.... I also recommend this website highly! There is a ton of information that is useful for sending to grandparents and other people who you are trying to explain apraxia to also.
Amazing how common apraxia seems to be! I had once read it was extremely rare...not true, apparently.
We started our son on early intervention speech therapy at age 2 1/2. At that time it was just seen as a speech delay. He was diagnosed with apraxia by a pediatric neurologist at 3 1/2. His current therapist estimates that he may be fully intelligible to strangers by age 6 or 7. Looking forward to that! Right now my husband and I understand probably 75% of what he says.
I've tried the fish oils. I haven't seen any dramatic changes come from that. I still keep giving it to him as well as to my older son (who has no speech issues), since it's just good for brain development.
I really haven't had a hard time accepting his speech difficulties or his diagnosis. He's the sweetest, most affectionate child in the world. My older son, who has never been delayed in ANYTHING, is what I would term "high-needs"...constantly wanting our attention and challenging us daily. Now he's entered a stage of talking back. We're following tips from the book "Assertive Discipline" and having some success with that.
Jennifer, my son takes fish oil too and I find that it helps. How many milligrams does he take daily?
We've stuck with 1000mg I believe, I have to look at the bottle. How much does your son take?
I'v been doing only 300 mgs, with the epa% slightly higher than the dha%, because I had read somewhere about that being a better ratio than the reverse, and it took some looking to find that. We are using GNC, but I always wonder if I could give him more and if it is the best brand.
We use Nordic Naturals.
I may try that brand. I'll look around for it.
I know that this a mothers forum. But being a father that raised 2 daughters I feel that I have a right to say something. If any of my children had the speech problems that are described....
WE WOULD NOT HAVE HAD MORE CHILDREN......SO THAT WE COULD SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS NECESSARY WITH OUR CHILD THAT NEEDED HELP.
Just my 2 cents !
radioman, your assumption is that you cannot provide the proper help with more than one child. WRONG! Growing up in a home where a disabilty isn't the central focus is important to providing children with perspective.
In addition, what if the child with a problem is the second or the third?
Do parents give up?
I find Radioman's post appalling because I didn't sign up for "perfect only" children. I love my kids and wouldn't wish any of them away just because there are special needs. Yes, apraxia requires work but it's time I would have spent with him anyway. My daughter enjoys helping her brother and has made her more tolerant of other non-perfect children. Tolerance, hmmm....
Thank you so much for writing this article. My son also has apraxia. He is in Kindergarten and at grade level but he has a difficult time focusing and staying on task, his therapist mentioned this is a common concern with apraxia. He is beginning to struggle with reading and self confidence. Does anybody have suggestions, books, tips that I can use to help him? Thanks.
ThreeWonderfulKids - The book that I posted about earlier is about speech disorders, but focuses on apraxia. It has a ton of suggestions and ideas. It is available in Wake County library. This webiste www.apraxia-kids.org also has a lof of information. As far as tips, for us repitition on sounds and on reading has helped.
Radioman - My speech delayed child was my second child. Each family is different and every family makes the decisions that work best for them. I have found that even with two kids that I have been able to spend as much time as I needed helping my son.
I have actually found it very beneficial to my son to have another child in the family. Since kids often imitate other kids more than adults, I really believe his speech progressed faster because of her role modeling proper speech. His speech therapist actually had my daughter participate in a few of the sessions to encourage my son. The other benefit that we've found is that my daughter used to interpret my son's speech to other kids (she has actually always understood him better than even us) and that allowed him to play independently with other kids without us hoovering nearby. I agree with J_Carter and have had the same experience with my daughter. I also think that she has learned alot from my son's speech issues that will help her throughout her life. I think she will be alot more tolerant and understanding of people who are different throughout her life. And she really understands how some people have to work very hard for things that come very easy to other people.
I would recommend investing in an evaluation either through your school district or an educational psychologist. They can benchmark all aspects of learning, intelligence, strengths and weaknesses and help you figure out strategies.
Radioman, fathers are welcome and I wish we had more commenting on our blogs...the title of this website can mislead men to think we are exclusive, but we love a good debate and discussion, regardless of gender. You are entitled to your opinion.
Wow...I find Radioman's comment extremely rude and offensive.
My apraxic son is very excited to meet his little sister, due in 3 months. He talks to my belly and I think having siblings as playmates helps him immensely with his speech.
How sad that Radioman felt the need to judge parents of special needs children.
Illyse,
I really enjoyed reading your essay and think that you have captured the experience of many of us moms who have kids with childhood apraxia of speech. Thank you so much for sharing your deepest feelings about this incredible struggle our children have faced. My son is a rising high school senior and it seems that I remember these emotions you discuss like they were yesterday. He, on the other hand, remembers little of it and speaks beautifully, by the way.
God bless,
Sharon Gretz
Executive Director & Founder
CASANA/Apraxia-KIDS.org