Before I had children, I had a good job. Lots of responsibility. I was organized and together. Never missed a deadline, a presentation or a flight. I always had a plan and I always knew what to expect.

So naturally, in preparation for my little bundle of joy, I had taken great care to plan. I had the pediatrician lined up. Big Guy would have the best baby gear to keep him safe (car seat ranked #1 by Consumer Reports). He would attend the best day care center (deposit put down during pregnancy). I would give him a fabulous start and then return to work. I would have productive days at the office and then hurry to day care to reunite with my angelic baby. Big Guy would be happy and develop into a well adjusted child.

Well, Big Guy had a plan all his own. Beginning with surprising me 6 weeks early. I hadn’t planned for that. I also didn’t plan on bringing him to my baby shower. Or having a baby that didn’t enjoy eating. He actually cried during feedings. On the slim chance we had a successful feeding, Big Guy would continuously spit up until the next feeding, which usually involved more crying. He was a baby that, even at only a few weeks old, was fussy and only wanted mom.

After nearly 8 weeks, it was clear that Big Guy only had eyes for me. No one else could even look at, let alone touch Big Guy without him releasing an ear piercing cry. As my return to work date approached, I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him with someone else. I needed to regroup. Change my plan. I quit my job.

Unflinching, I decided the surest way to ensure success at my new job was to approach mommyhood with all the attention to detail and energy I had my put into my old job. I had read the books. Studied the strategies for “baby wising” my baby. So Big Guy was a handful now. With my gentle guidance, he would change.

We signed up for baby classes to work on socialization and development. I just brought extra bibs and burp cloths for the constant episodes of spit up. I smiled enviously at the other moms with their cooing, chunky, adorable Gerber babies while I looked at my crying, long, skinny, wrinkled baby. I tried to play it cool. No worries, it was just a bad day. But I knew the truth. If Big Guy was going to stop fussing, I would need to hold him. Forever.

Months passed. I was determined to fix Big Guy. He was more determined. The harder I pushed and the more creative I got, the louder he fussed. We bounced from Little Gym to Kindermusic (all the other babies liked these!) and from playgroup to playground. He was not interested. I encouraged him to branch out. Find a friend and crawl off into the sunset. This was proving to be trickier than I expected.

Then an opportunity. I was able to get Big Guy into a toddler class at a Mother’s Morning Out program. This was it. I could feel it. He would turn the corner. Big Guy would flourish, grow and prove to everyone he was “normal."

Well, living in denial only works in limited doses. I can’t say I was surprised when after a few visits, the school director gave me the look. You know the “this is just not going to work out” look. It is sort of like the “break-up” look. You don’t want to make eye contact because then you know it is a reality.

I remember that day. He had won. I was broken. I gave Big Guy a disappointed look as I put him in his car seat. His eyes were puffy from the tears and his cheeks were flushed. He stared back at me with a half smile, as if to say, “Mom, I knew you would save me!” And all of a sudden, I got it.

It was simple. I had been trying to do the right things. But those things were defined by my own expectations. I had forgotten the most basic, important expectation of all - Big Guy’s expectation that I would love and accept him for who he was.

The truth was that Big Guy didn’t need to be fixed. He just wasn’t ready. Right now, at this moment in time, this was who he was. I was the grown up. It was time to adjust my expectations. Throw away my plan. And once I did, life got a whole lot easier.

(FYI – a few years later, he eventually stopped crying and was able to go to preschool.)

Illyse appears every Thursday on TriangleMom2Mom.