My feelings about back-to-school are often like my kids' feelings when, even though the song predated their births by many years, they start singing, "School’s Out for Summer!" I don’t even mind slogging through the back-to-school section at Wal-Mart looking for a 3-inch binder (what? a 2-and-a-1/2 incher isn’t good enough?) I don’t even gripe about the high-level negotiations that result when the kid wants a 6-pack of cutesy pencils for $2.49 instead of the 24-pack of standard pencils for $.99. I do, however, win that negotiation. Credit card trumps pleading eyes every time.

The first Monday of school finds moms giggling as they go through their daily motions without the constant interruptions that begin with “Mom!” wailed from across the house or via cell phone.

And then it comes. Monday night. The teachers are generally kind giving the kids no homework for the night. The homework is all for the parents. Between my high schooler and my middle schooler, I’m pretty sure I filled out and/or signed 32 forms. One year, I typed up a master page with all the possible information they would want, names, birthdates, health insurance, e-mails, cell phones, etc. I put it with the form, stapled it and wrote on it, “See attached.” No, they weren’t having any of that!

Not only do we have to give all of our personal information, we have to SIGN to indicate that we have read the homework policy, bathroom policy and this year, chemistry lab policy. So, apparently if my child blows up the lab, I’m going to get a phone call saying, “Excuse me, but you DID sign the form and indicated that you had personally reviewed all of the safety policies with your child.”

One night, several moms were gathered … and as often happens when Moms are gathered, wine was flowing. One Mom who has THREE children in two different schools and hasn’t changed her address, cell phone or e-mail address in five years wanted to know why she couldn’t just indicate “Nothing Has Changed.” I suggested they have one standard form (preferably able to be completed on a computer … I type SO much faster and neater than I write) that gets copied to each teacher and THEN we’ll be happy to sign their individual rule sheets (all of which seem to me to indicate that homework is somehow MY responsibility).

One mom was so traumatized by the whole process that she actually had nightmares about it! I can’t use her real name, lest one of the teachers or principals at her schools read this and think less of her. So, for her pseudonym, let’s call her Ann Jones. Ann dreamed that the school sent ALL OF HER HOMEWORK back and she had to complete every form over again. They declined her homework because she hadn’t made her signature cover the whole line. They also insisted that she write out her whole name (including maiden name) on every page, which would mean spelling out and signing Annabelle McClintock Jones over and over and over again. And she has three kids! I’m sure the next nightmare will be about carpal tunnel syndrome.

Remember when we used to have nightmares over wearing the wrong dress to a party?

Diane appears every Saturday on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Di at her blog Live and Let Di.