We’ve all known someone who was described as being “all boy” because, for better or worse, he exhibited excessive amounts of traits normally associated with boys. (And he was probably climbing on something at the time.) While no one wants to be caught stereotyping children, boys and girls are different and I came to ponder some of these differences recently as I read Pink Brain, Blue Brain by Lise Eliot, Ph. D. Parts of this book highlighted fascinating studies on gender differences and perceptions and how much of these might be innate, adding to the long-running nature vs. nurture debate.  (Other parts of the book read like a biology text and were, in my opinion, far less fascinating.)

The author uses these studies and her own research into the tiny differences in the male and female brains to offer suggestions to help “all children reach their fullest potential.” This is a laudable goal. I’m not sure this book really adds anything new though. For babies, for instance, she recommends breastfeeding (check), talking to your baby (check), not parking him or her in front of the TV (check) and other rather obvious ideas.  As they get older, her recommendations mostly trend towards closing the “gaps,” i.e. puzzles for girls since they lag slightly on some spatial skills and more books and writing for boys, who are marginally behind in some verbal skills, on average.

But here’s why this isn’t all that helpful. Even by the author’s own admission, the gaps BETWEEN the sexes in nearly all areas are far less than the gaps WITHIN the sexes. Kids who are lagging behind the most are doing so not because they are boys or girls, but because of other factors. Many studies point to socioeconomic factors, including the families’ attitudes toward education, as the best predictors of kids’ success in school. I cannot change our income level by reading a book. And I have to believe that most of the people who will read this book, and others like it, are the people who already value education and helping their kids (and the kids they teach) reach their “fullest potential.”

Which is why I wasn’t convinced that it’s essential for me to try to spend more time fostering “girl” skills in my boys or the other way around.I think that as long as you are encouraging positive traits in your kids, it’s pretty hard to argue that you’re doing anything wrong, or that you should necessarily be focusing on any other positive traits.

Still, the book’s discussions of stereotypes got me thinking a bit about how I interact with my own kids, particularly my twins. At about six months, very little of their personalities have been shaped by external forces. Could I tell at this point, if I didn’t already know, which is a boy and which is a girl? Generalizations of the sexes say that boys prefer action and object-oriented activities while girls like people and relationships. One of my babies wants to be picked up and carried around more than the other. Is this baby craving the social aspect of being near me or the action of being carried around to look at more things?The other baby loves to “stand” on my lap. Is this to stretch those tiny leg muscles or because it affords better eye contact with me?

The point is that right now they are not especially masculine or feminine. Most people cannot tell their genders unless I have them in “appropriate” pink and blue outfits (and even then, people still ask).Yet I have already begun to treat them differently in some small ways. It’s most noticeable in my vocabulary.When I’m holding M, I tell her how pretty she is and I make sure G knows that he is my handsome little guy. For the record, both of these babies are involved in a four-way tie for the most adorable babies EVER so it really shouldn’t matter which superlatives I whisper in their ears. But it does. I check myself when I accidentally call my little boy “pretty.” He is. But that’s not the socially acceptable term.

I like to think we have a fairly egalitarian household. At the same time, I have to acknowledge subtle biases in the way I treat my kids. But whether I’m treating them like boys or girls, I hope I’m still teaching them to treat everyone with respect. And isn’t that more important than gaining a few points on the SAT anyway?

Mandy appears weekends on TriangleMom2Mom.