I’m in a quandary.  The celebrity news is all abuzz about the fight between singers Chris Brown and Rihanna the night of the Grammy Awards.  Well, to be technically correct, Chris Brown is accused of domestic abuse against a woman.  His girlfriend, Rihanna, apparently has bruises, including a black eye.  

Normally, I’d see this as a simple black and white situation.  Men don’t hit women.  Punish those who do.  I would envision my mother, or sister, or daughter or myself in that situation.  Nope.  Sorry, but there’s just no excuse for a man to hit a woman.

Let me be quite clear—I still feel that way unequivocally.  But there’s a part of me that looks at Chris Brown with concern, not total disgust.  Maybe it’s the fact that at 19, he’s a mere four years older than my oldest son.  He’s has the reputation of being a good kid, and it sounds like this behavior is very out of character for him.

As a mother of sons, I also see an immaturity that occasionally comes late.  I sometimes see my boys struggle to control emotions, and I frequently see them make ill-advised decisions because they just don’t see the long-term consequences of their behavior.

Being old enough to be the mother of either Chris or Rihanna, I feel for them both.  The fear and disbelief that Rihanna must have felt when someone she loved betrayed her with violence.  The unexplainable rage that Chris may have felt, and the deep remorse he has expressed—which still cannot undo his damage.

So I tell my daughter—no one hits you.  It’s never, ever okay.  You never deserve it.  Ever.

And I tell my boys—you don’t ever hit girls.  You don’t hit your sister, no matter what.  You treat girls with respect.  And if the situation gets bad, and you feel you are losing control, you walk away.

Then, remembering that giving them this advice doesn’t always prevent it from happening, I tell them: learn from this so it doesn’t happen again.  Figure out what happened, and why it ended up this way.  Get out of this situation.  Get help.  Then take a deep breath, and move forward.