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The Darkness
Try to think of the five qualities that define you. I was thinking about this today, so I looked back to some e-mails and some Facebook comments to help me come up with my list. I am generous, funny, smart, loving and a good friend. My high school crush, a football player when I was a cheerleader, even referenced my "pretty teenage legs" and while I reveled for a moment in that compliment, it doesn’t define me.
But there is something that comes from deep inside me with which I live and struggle…yet, I refuse to let THAT define me. It’s Depression. And right now I am in a bit of a slide. I’ve been at the very bottom in the past. I have experienced an episode that lasted almost 6 months. I have a combination of medications, therapy and ECT (really, click there…it’s informative and includes some real insight into Depression and some excellent books to consider to better understand it) that help me keep Depression at bay for the most part.
I was scheduled for ECT a couple weeks ago, but it turned out that my husband was going to be out of town. So instead of calling a friend, who would have happily taken me to UNC and sat there for a couple hours while I got my treatment, I canceled my appointment. It’s easy to do that when you are feeling great. Well, the schedule is quite crowded, so when I went to reschedule, I found that I couldn’t get in until mid-August. So here I am, with the Depression keeping me from doing the simplest things, a lack of desire to do my usual things and the completely uncalled-for, but natural, self-blame.
Would I blame myself if I was diagnosed with cancer or diabetes or colitis? No, of course not. But there is still this pervasive attitude that Depression or other diseases of the brain are weaknesses. Am I weak because my neurotransmitters don’t seem to fire right without assistance? Of course not…and when things are good, I know that and advocate for the understanding and acceptance of mental illness as treatable, physiological and beyond the control of its sufferers. When things are bad, I berate myself that I’m just drawn to my bed because I don’t want to fold the laundry or tackle the cluttered kitchen counters or do something as simple as hang the new mirror in the powder room.
I am fortunate because I have a husband who understands. I have health insurance that makes it possible for me to receive the best treatment (no, I’m not going to start the health care debate here!) I have friends who sometimes even recognize the signs before I do. I have lots of old movies on my DVR, recorded from TCM, so if I do succumb to the inviting call of my bed, I can mindlessly lose myself in Bette Davis or Hepburn and Tracy or Marlon Brando.
The worst part? I’m a Mom and every time this happens, I feel like a failure. My children kind of get it. But, it’s just not normal for Mom to be flat-lining emotionally. I wonder sometimes if, in addition to my moments of fun and spontaneity, they miss my tirades about the clutter that gathers 20 minutes after I’ve cleaned a surface.
When I am feeling really good, I worry about the Moms out there who experience what I do, but are unwilling to put a name to it because to do so would somehow admit fallibility. I worry about the Moms who have medication, but ration their usage of it because, even with insurance, it is so expensive. I worry about the Moms whose husbands/partners don’t understand and even blame them, calling them lazy, telling them to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and even discouraging them from seeing a (gasp!) psychiatrist or psychologist for a diagnosis.
I love our community of Moms. We are all here for each other. So today, I’m going to do a little public service announcement. I’m going to ask you to look within yourself and do a quick scan of your friends to see if you see any of the signs. Depression is not only defined by feeling sad or blue. Depression can often be suspected when you experience loss of:
sleep (or the excessive desire for sleep)
appetite
energy and enthusiasm
concentration
enjoyment
patience
One of the most painful symptoms for me is the inability to find joy in things that normally bring me joy. I want joy. I want joy for others. I have an incredible article called “Depressive Illness – Curse of the Strong”…yes, you heard me, STRONG. If you think that you or a friend might be struggling with Depression, please e-mail me privately by clicking here at and I will happily send you a copy.
There is help. You may find it starting with your family doctor. You may want to go see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. (If a psychologist thinks that medication is in order, he/she will refer you to a psychiatrist who can prescribe them.) If things are very severe, you may want to look at the website for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and/or call their 24-hour Mental Health Crisis Hotline at 866-518-6784. Don’t let Depression define you or your friends…fight the fight and find the joy!
Diane appears Wednesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Diane on her blog Live and Let Di.
Live and Let Di
Diane is a TriangleMom2Mom featured blogger, appearing every Wednesday.
I try to be the voice of Moms with teens. My daughter Haley is 16. She's at that age where she is convinced that I know nothing. I'm thinking I'll seem a lot smarter when she's 22. We bond over Broadway shows. My son Rory is 13. He started reading the sports page when he was 5 and his passion for anything sports-related has grown ever since. This year he beat out 9 guys in their 40s to win his Fantasy Football League. Watch for him on ESPN in a few years.
My husband Hurley works from home, but travels quite a bit. When he's gone, I usually take a break from making dinner and cleaning the house. Oh, I don't do those things regularly when he's here either! Our parenting philosophy is "choose your battles." The only problem is that we often choose different battles. It keeps it interesting!!!
Comments
Di- wonderful insight to an illness a lot of people don't understand. I'm sure someone will read this, and know you are talking directly to them; and that they are not alone.
Hoping you get more light soon.
My doctor gave me a new medication today that might help and I ended up getting squeezed in for a treatment this Friday. So I see a light at the end of the tunnel. And until then, I'm letting myself lay low.
Thank you for sharing... I know you are no doubt turning the light on for other people.... Depression is so understood... It robs us of that Joy that we want so much to have and hold.
Blessings to you for turning on the light for others, even when yours may be a little dim for th MOMENT. Joy does come in the morning....
A sincere and honest post. Thanks for sharing. I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is a bright one.
(BTW, have you read "Girl, Interrupted," or seen the movie? Just because you refer to attitudes that our culture has towards mental illness. If you have, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.)
I have read Girl, Interrupted and seen the movie. I guess that I get upset when I hear or read about society's misunderstanding of mental illness. But I also know that I can't change the world. So I just try to change my world a little at a time....often with humor, always with candor. I mean, yesterday a good friend texted me asking if I needed anything...my response, "Yes, ECT. Got jumper cables?"
During the past few years, my friends have gotten crash courses on Depression and Inflammatory Breast Cancer through my experiences and the experience of one of my close friends. Knowledge is power and friendship is healing...I don't care WHAT illness you have!
I hope that the medication works and the you find the light soon. This is a beautiful post and I know that it will help someone who is suffering alone.
Many thanks for sharing your story. Depression can be so brutal and relentless. It can also be managed with patience and persistence. My battle with the beast is lifelong but I have only received treatment for the last decade or so. Options for treatment are increasing constantly, combinations of different approaches have been most successful for me. In addition to meds, I have found mind/body pursuits very helpful. My favorite is yoga - and several folks have developed practices especially for depression, Yeah! A depressed person must remember that they have a disorder. The awfulness in your mind and body when depressed are the expression of that disorder. That misery is not you, you are still in there and will find a way out!
Find the joy in being mentally ill? How promotional can you get. For a more comprehensive view of mental illness see MindFreedom International, Inc.
And by the way, I hope you're more than your neurotransmitters. Stop blaming everything on them. How convenient for you.
Wow...I started to ignore the last comment because I have received so many private e-mails from people who appreciated the article and are looking to live with and beyond their Depression. When I said, "Find the joy," it was not the joy of mental illness, because it is anything but. What I meant was to find what works for you to overcome your illness and be able to experience the joy that is missing when the darkness of depression descends. And being promotional about joy? I can live with that.
I don't think that you would be so callous as so suggest that someone stop blaming everything on cancer cells or a lack of insulin or an immune disorder. So I'm not sure why you are singling out mental illness in this way. If you have read anything I've written here over the past year and a half or so, it would be clear that I am a lot more than my neurotransmitters. The darn things just get in the way every now and then.
The organization you mention seems to target ECT (aka Electroshock Therapy) as inhumane. Since you have participated in this community just since today, I must assume that your only purpose is to promote your perspective. ECT has helped me tremendously. I am not saying it is for everyone, but I would warn people to be wary of an organization that targets one particular medical procedure without gathering a variety of information as I did when I chose to try ECT. My experiences with ECT at UNC have been less inhumane than having my teeth cleaned! The staff is warm and empathetic. The procedure is painless. The potential side effect of memory loss has been mitigated by the type of procedure that they use.
I appreciate and encourage different perspectives...I just wish they could be expressed in a supportive and open manner.
Thank you for sharing as we often say on blogs & facebook but thank you for being so open, honest, and hopefully enlightening to some moms. You are a great mom and there's lessons your children learn thru you that they could not learn with anyone else. Hang in there!
Apart from the "promotional" comment (which certainly has no basis seeing as she is not advertising depression...), I think that her statement about "finding the joy" is inspiring. So many people suffer from depression and don't realize that there is something they can do about it. Most people with depression DON'T seek treatment. If I was one of those people and I read this, I would be much more inclined to get help. There may be no joy in mental illness, but there is certainly joy in overcoming it.
I looked up the MindFreedom thing and I believe that they are against INVOLUNTARY medication and ECT. If a person suffering from depression has realized that medicine and ECT help (which, by the way, they do for most people), why should anybody tell him or her to not use them.
Also, depression is a disease as much as cancer, Alzheimer's, or any other illness. Would you say to a person struggling with cancer "stop blaming everything on your rapidly growing cells?" I doubt it.
Wonderful, open, honest blog. For the cold, callous comment above, ignore it, and pity her ignorance. It may well be this woman has some issues of her own and lives by the River of Denial. Hooray to tne N&O for publishing it, and for all the wonderful moms in the area for supporting you.
I was diagnosed with depression several years ago---- my dr. tried me on different meds------1st Paxil & then Lexapro--they DIDNT work--then I tried Cymbalta------ that........ combined with Zanax ( for anxiety) ( I have a son stationed in Iraq) seems to be the "magic combo" for me-------- I am MORE relaxed & LESS stressed........ I urge ANYONE who feels they have depression symptoms to contact their dr. ASAP
Hi Di,
I just came upon your blog. It's wonderful. I've been a psych nurse for 25 years, and believe me it's good to see people who have the insight you do. Keep fighting the good fight. I think you're ahead of the game just by knowing that there is hope. And don't let anything get in the way of your treatment. It's easier by far to stay healthy than to have to catch up later, after the depression starts. Good luck.
This is really a beautifully written piece. Did you ever think about volunteering with a program......counseling/mentoring others with newly diagnosed depression?
I will pray that you will find peace in this battle with depression and that you will continue to shine the light on your illness. Isolation I believe is the reason why some people are completely taken over by depression. I believe that the truth will set you free and the more yo share the truth of your struggles the freer you will become.
I will also pray that the neurotransmitters "get it together" and fire correctly.
God Bless you!
*hug* depression sucks. been there.
Thanks for all of your support...I'll be thinking of you today at ECT or as my ever-irreverent friends call it, the "zapatorium."