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Famous Last Words
When I was pregnant with my first child, I had 22 (yes, I counted them) books on pregnancy, infancy, child care, etc. I was pretty sure I knew it all. I entered parenthood with high expectations both of my child and of myself. I came up with sweeping statements of all the “nevers” we were going to adhere to. I spoke of these “nevers” self-righteously, especially when I was around other parents who were clearly doing it wrong, being too lax and generally screwing up their children beyond repair. Beware parents…you know how they say “never say never?” Well, this is particularly true in the world of parenting.
With appropriate credit to my BFF Amy for the idea and the examples, here’s what I mean. You start out with your list of “nevers.” The evolution of “never” to “whatever” goes something like this:
No TV
No TV that’s not PBS
No TV after 8 p.m.
No TV in your bedroom
Just keep the volume down so I don’t hear it.
No food anywhere but the kitchen
No food anywhere but the kitchen and TV room
No food in your bedroom
No food in your bedroom. Really. I mean it.
If we have to call an exterminator one more time, you are paying for it!
No video games
No video games that are rated T
No video games that are rated M
No playing M-rated video games when your little cousins are around
Just play the video games in your room where no one else can see them.
No refined sugar
No really, really sweet cereal
No Pop Tarts
No cereal that has more than 2 artificial colors
No really sweet frosted Pop Tarts
Can you just commit to eating one of the healthy meals I make each week, complete with vegetables? And boy, those Pop Tarts are good!
No food in the car
No food in the new car
No sitting in the front seat with food
No leaving your food wrappers in the car
No leaving your empty Gatorade bottles in the car
Clean out the car once a month so we don’t get maggots. (Think I’m kidding? Click here.)
No bare feet
No going outside with socks on and no shoes
No leaving your dirty socks on the floor
No leaving your dirty socks in the couch/chair cushions
Just don’t bother wearing socks because I’m tired of picking them up.
No sex until you're in college
No sex until you're eighteen
No sex unless you’re on the pill
No sex unless you're on the pill AND he's wearing a condom
Can't we just go back to no sex until college?
Keep these things in mind next time the word “never” is about to slip out of your mouth!
And finally, I’d like to bid a tearful goodbye to our departing bloggers, Amy, Beth and Gigi and a cheerful hello to our new bloggers, Laura, Jennifer and Pamela. With the original gang, we had several opportunities to meet in person and from the first time it was like we had known each other all our lives. There’s something about motherhood that inspires insta-friendships. I’m looking forward to meeting our new bloggers and having three more insta-friends! And, by the way, I also feel like I’ve made a new insta-friend every time someone leaves a comment.
Di has been featured on Saturdays on TriangleMom2Mom since last spring, but starting next week she'll move to Wednesdays and she really loves comments (if you need more hints). Read more about Di at her blog Live and Let Di.
Live and Let Di
Diane is a TriangleMom2Mom featured blogger, appearing every Wednesday.
I try to be the voice of Moms with teens. My daughter Haley is 16. She's at that age where she is convinced that I know nothing. I'm thinking I'll seem a lot smarter when she's 22. We bond over Broadway shows. My son Rory is 13. He started reading the sports page when he was 5 and his passion for anything sports-related has grown ever since. This year he beat out 9 guys in their 40s to win his Fantasy Football League. Watch for him on ESPN in a few years.
My husband Hurley works from home, but travels quite a bit. When he's gone, I usually take a break from making dinner and cleaning the house. Oh, I don't do those things regularly when he's here either! Our parenting philosophy is "choose your battles." The only problem is that we often choose different battles. It keeps it interesting!!!
Comments
You've seen my car! Next time you're there, could you vacuum it for me?
If you clicked on the link, you will take Leigh's advice and have it professionally cleaned. It was a life-changing moment for her. I love how Leigh says that the floor of her car is like the bottom of her purse.
The only difference for me is that I can make my 13 YO clean the floor of the car. I would never let him near the bottom of my purse!
Thanks for the shout out! I look forward to meeting you also. I started out with the the rule everyone will sleep in their own beds in their own rooms. And over the years it has evolved to, Just SLEEP.
I did click on the link and was horrified at what leigh found on her car floor (Ugh!), though not at all by how dirty her car was. I just don't have the heart to leave such a comment on her blog.
Natalie...Leigh is not the least bit defensive about the condition of her car. But yes, it is totally gross. I would have traded it in and bought a new car. I did that once when I got a flat tire and then found that the spare was flat. That was the last straw. My husband says his best friend got a new car once because his ashtray was full.
Jennifer: I just looked at your profile and saw that you are a Gator fan! Yay!!! My husband went to Florida and Thursday night here was utter mayhem. When I got up the next morning, there was my son's Tim Tebow jersey draped over the TV. I couldn't bear to move it.
If you haven't seen the list of Tebowisms, visit here: http://www.tebowisms.net/
A couple I saw on SportsCenter included:
Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas.
Tim Tebow counted to infinity...twice.
Anyone can take a horse to water...but only Tim Tebow can make him drink.
Love the "Never list" and its evolution! As the mother of older kids, I want to share that these lists continue to evolve not because your standards change but because a 15 year old needs different guidance and freedoms from the needs of a five year old. Trust me, there are more new "firsts" coming for you all. My latest was the first visit home from college of the newly "legal" son. Watching your child drink in your living room with his friend is a new experience. Watching your son throw up after New Year's Eve is another "interesting" event. I asked if he had drunk too much and his reply was "probably". I asked him if this was one of the stupid things to do that he could now cross off his list. I believe the 20's are going to be my biggest challenge as a Mom. He is now legal to do a lot of things a "mom" doesn't want to know about. It is normal for them to test the waters of the new freedoms and this is true of every age.
I offer this to newer mothers. You cannot reasonably believe you can completely shelter your children from the real world where there are drugs, germs, ugliness etc. "NEVER" is impossible. I feel it is better to teach them what is out there and how you expect them to deal with it. Case in point - when my oldest entered Jr. High he started hearing some language he wasn't used to and decided to try out a few of these new words. I let him know that we could not keep him from hearing them and we were not going to sensor his music/TV/movies. However, we did not want to hear those words coming out of HIS mouth. This was fine. He was not being smothered but he was still being given guidance.
Never...what a concept!
Everyone has different styles of parenting and values. I imagine we all will look back when our kids are older and wish we'd done a few things differently, and also get a few laughs at our own expense. But bottom line, I doubt there really is "one right way to do it". We just all have to do what we can live with! (and I know that does change from year to year)
Most of the time these changes from never have more to do with the changes in your kids than in changes in your parenting values. "Nevers" that make sense with a toddler may seem unnecessary with a responsible older kid and that doesn't mean you have to eat your words.
You don't have to eat your words UNLESS you looked down your nose at a parent of an older child and said, "I would NEVER let my child [FILL IN THE BLANK]." Then you kind of have to eat your words!