I have often written about the importance of the "village" in raising your child. When they are young, it's relatively easy. You see your friend's kid weaving his bike back and forth across the road, oblivious to the possibility of oncoming cars, you get on the phone and let your friend know. At that age, kids still think their Moms are omniscient and have no concept that someone "busted" them.

As the kids get older, you use the "village" concept as a warning. I know many parents who admonished on Halloween night, "Remember, that everyone in this neighborhood knows who you are and if you do something stupid, I WILL hear about it."

But when kids become teens, there is a fine line between the trust that you have with your children and your responsibilities to the "village." That's why I have come up with my own set of rules.

1. If I see a friend's child doing something like drinking, smoking, hanging around in the wrong places, etc., I have no hesitation. I will tell my friend and leave it up to her as to how to approach it with the child. I don't really care if the kid thinks or knows that I busted him.

2. If my child tells me that a friend's child is doing bad stuff, that remains a confidence between me and my child. If I tell the parent and it somehow comes out that my child ratted out a friend, the chances of my child opening up to me again are pretty slim. In some cases, the chances of a teen opening up to a parent are slim anyway, so it's more important to keep that line of communication open and inviolable.

The latter rule is compounded by the impact that reporting these behaviors to the parent may be met with responses like, "It's none of your business," or "You must have heard wrong. My kid would never do that." These kinds of interactions can have negative implications on your friendships.

The problem for me is what to do if the behavior my child tells me about is something that is extremely serious or life-threatening. A kid is drinking and driving. A kid is smoking pot. A kid is constantly texting while driving. A kid is experimenting with even more dangerous drugs. A kid is planning to run away. A kid is talking about suicide.

I'm really asking for advice here. I don't know what the answers are. I do know that if a child was arrested or died because of something I knew about, I would be wracked with guilt, questioning my decision to not interfere. I hope that our Mom2Mom village can open this up for discussion and see if we can come up with some guidelines and answers. Let's hear it, Moms! And if anyone out there knows any professionals who might want to weigh in, please invite them to do so. The more information we have, the better it is for us and for our children. 

Diane appears Wednesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Diane on her blog Live and Let Di.