Walking out of the bookstore, my eye caught a book title I couldn't resist. 101 Ways to Torture Your Husband. Not that I am intentionally looking for ways to make Really Big Guy's life miserable, but I was curious. What could the author tell me that I didn't already know?

Now I admit, I've had my moments when inflicting a little bit of torture on my husband is tempting. Leaving the toothpaste cap off with a big glob in the sink would irritate him. The drawers of the dresser slightly open would annoy. And leaving only one tablespoon of cookie dough ice cream in the half gallon carton would frustrate.

But truth be told, I just don't feel the need to come up with intentional ways to torture him. For it's been my experience that on certain days, my mere presence can be just enough to let the torturing begin. It's just what happens when you live with someone for years. And years. And I ask you to find any married couple who'll dare to say different.

Who hasn't unintentionally employed verbal torturing? When just by opening your mouth and letting the words flow, suffering is inflicted? A classic example is the loaded "what did you do all day" question. With its double-edged implications, a husband asking is simple begging to be tortured.

You know how it works. On a bad day, this questions takes on a defensive quality, especially in the early years of parenting, as we jump to the "are you suggesting I didn't do anything all day?" response. The poor men don't stand a chance, as they walk away, completely defeated. Let the suffering ensue.

On a good day, they fare no better. When asked, I'll jump at the chance to tell my story, down to the last not-so-juicy detail - the ones my BFF appreciates. But in my haste and excitement, I often forget a fundamental that all smart women should remember. Men just want the big picture.

Now, if you're the mother of boys, you learn this trait comes with the Y chromosome territory. Raising sons is a quick lesson in the merits of the lose-interest-in-30-seconds theory, quickly dispelling the belief that your husband may purposefully be ignoring your long winded narratives. They really can't help it.

Yet that doesn't prevent us from extreme sharing. And once we start, even as we see darting eyes, the shifting of weight as they fidget; even though we know that all they are hearing is the mumbled and jumbled voice of Charlie Brown's teacher and they can barely contain the urge to yell, "land the plane already," the pain has already been inflicted. 

And let's not forget that actions speak louder than words. We can be full of those uncalculated, inevitable silent torturing tactics. Letting a fight linger just a little longer. Having trouble letting something go. The "yes, we are irritated" body language, complete with a barely audible under-the-breath murmuring. Our husbands come to know that there' s nothing worse than an upset wife.

While this torturing isn't always pretty, it's rarely deliberate. And it's never mean spirited. It cannot be helped. It's part of the rhythm of our relationship. The cycle that includes ups, downs and just being. Most importantly, it goes both ways. For every time I torture Really Big Guy, he surely sends some back my way.

But here's the thing. Once we get past it, it's usually the stuff that makes us laugh.  The stories we share with friends at dinner. It's the reason we smile so widely at weddings, for we know what the happy couple is in for.

As enticing as it was to take a peek inside that book, I figured I was doing just fine on my own. So in the spirit of Valentine's Day, here's a toast to my victim. May we have many more torturous days together.