Love means never saying you're sorry...unless you mean it!

Suddenly, I am living with a very, very mouthy, irritating little person. I hate it when people say (cheerfully), "Just like living with a teen-ager!!"--as though those years won't come quickly enough. Why should this give me any comfort? I don't want to live with a teen-ager for another 7 or 8 years. I want to live with the six year old.

Preferably, a happy one that doesn't scream "I hate you!" when things aren't going her way. Or when she can't finish something, or when supper isn't what she wants to eat...or any of a million little things that go right and wrong in the course of a typical day. Luckily, I have a friend with a child 8 months older than Flipper, so whatever she is doing, the odds are good that he has done it first. My friend actually googled "obnoxious six year old behavior" and found out that everything they are doing is "normal"-although that doesn't lessen our iirritation with our offspring. Here's the "shortlist" below, culled from an educational Web site.

Where They Are: The average six-year old is extremely egocentric and wants to be the center of attention. She: Wants to be the "best" and "first." Has boundless energy. May be oppositional, silly, brash, and critical. Cries easily; shows a variety of tension-releasing behavior. Is attached to the teacher. Has difficulty being flexible. Often considers fantasy real.

Except for the last one, this does fit Flipper to a T right now. But while I was commiserating with my friend while the kids played on the trampoline, an interesting topic came up for our scrutiny: when-and how-should you make your children apologize? Does it really make sense for a two-year-old to "apologize" to another child that he accidentally knocked over in his rush to the slide at the playground?

Should all apologies have meaning-or should we try to teach that words don't always make everything hunky-dory? Or should an "I'm sorry" be like "please" and "thank you" - automatic as a sign of manners and an attempt to be part of a (somewhat) civilized society?

The other mother told me that her son's behavior had gotten beyond the "I hate you" stage and was so rude and disrespectful that when he flung the automatic and obligatory "SORRY" at her she said, "That isn't going to to cut it. You yelling "sorry" at me doesn't make it all right, and doesn't mean you are out of trouble." He was utterly shocked, even angrier now that the magic words that "made everything OK" weren't working in this situation.

I would prefer that Flipper stop her angry, hyper-critical behavior and not repeat it for the next decade or so rather than just tossing an automatic apology my way. But she's young. Her little friends apologize to each other; indeed, we see and praise this as a sign that they are growing up, hopefully getting a tiny sense of empathy with someone else's troubles. It is no way to make or keep friends; even children often feel better after an apology. How do we, as parents, make an apology count, make it mean something? Or is that unrealistic? Or should only apologies for large transgressions be held to a higher standard than the quick "sorry!" of many a playground squabble?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I'll probably keep asking them. Sorry!

Leigh appears Fridays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Leigh on her blog Flipper and Me.