In this age of what I call "competitive parenting," one of the biggest casualties is what so many of us need to survive ... commiseration! There's probably a more positive phrase for it ... moral support, consciousness-raising, or some such thing ... but it is what it is!

Many of our Moms had one book…Dr. Spock. Now you need a GPS to navigate the conception/pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding/parenting aisles at most bookstores. Don't believe me? Go to Quail Ridge Books' website and do a search on "parenting." There are 804 PAGES  of books with five or so books on each page. There are only 587 pages of books on marriage, so you can see that our role as parents has far surpassed our role as spouses in terms of importance. In any case, most of us haven't read all of those parenting books or even all of the ones recommended to us by our friends, leaving many of us feeling woefully inadequate.

So how did our Moms do it? They did it with the support of their Moms, their sisters and their friends and, with the exception of the occasional stereotypical mother-in-law, the support came without judgment. Some breastfed, some didn't. It wasn't a moral imperative. Some spanked, some didn't. Some let the baby have a pacifier, some let him suck his thumb until he was 12.

The transition from wife to mother was not fraught with the intense scrutiny and expectations that exist today. People now feel that it's completely appropriate to ask a pregnant or new Mom how she is planning to give birth, if she's going to breastfeed, if she's going back to work, if she believes in the Ferber method and a whole bunch of other things that used to be considered private matters. I've even heard of someone asking an expectant Mom of twins if they were conceived "naturally." At least this Mom had a great sense of humor and, instead of replying, "None of your business!" replied, "Yeah, we did it twice in one night."

With all these expectations and all this judgment, new and expectant Moms are sometimes left sitting on the floor surrounded with too many books, crying with frustration and indecision. And the sad part is, that many of them don't have someone they can call to ask for help because they are afraid that by even asking a question they will be revealing their complete ineptitude as mothers.

I was lucky. I had Amy, my friend from college with whom I had navigated the waters of being single, being engaged, planning a wedding and getting married. And I had Amy's hand-written guide to being a first-time Mom, entitled Mommying 101. It included sage wisdom like Amy's insight about "Daddy's Way." When Daddy gives the bath or changes the baby, he will not do it just like you. That's OK. Don't tell him how to do it. He won't hurt the baby. And it's perfectly OK for him to do it differently than you do. She also told me that the first couple weeks of breastfeeding will not feel natural and will, in fact, often be painful.

Everyone needs an Amy. I still have Amy as well as a non-judgmental circle of friends in whom I can confide those Mommy secrets that might put us out of the running for Best Mom of the Year. As a matter of fact, we jokingly talk about our Worst Mom of the Year competition. I vividly recall the moment of utter relief when I called Amy one Saturday night when my toddler was refusing to stay in her bed and I was ready to clock out as a Mom for the day. She calmly said, "No, you aren't crazy because you feel like locking yourself in your room and turning up the TV while your toddler runs rampant in the house." I can sheepishly tell my girlfriends that sometimes I pray for rain when my son has baseball practice because I just don't feel like being the chauffeur that night. And what do I get from this? Commiseration. The deep sigh of relief that comes when one of your Mom friends says, "I've done that too!"

Commiseration is being able to voice your insecurities. It's being able to admit that you would rather be getting a pedicure than taking your child to the park. And if you are commiserating with the right people, they just might take your child off your hands every now and then so you can get that pedicure! Being a Mom can be lonely. An infant can't talk, a toddler can't talk about stuff you want to talk about and when they are teenagers, they often just don't want to talk to you. Period. Commiseration amongst Moms is community. It lets you know you aren't alone out there surrounded by finger-pointing experts whispering viciously about what a bad Mom you are for introducing fruits before vegetables. Commiseration about what a bad Mom you are may be just the thing that keeps you from really being a bad Mom!

Diane appears Wednesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Diane on her blog Live and Let Di.