What do you say after twenty years of marriage? Sometimes, when my husband and I are in our bedroom, each busy at work on our laptops, I wonder if we’ve lost the "magic" as we sit contentedly, but silently, together.

When we first got married, we had plenty to say to each other.  Those first couple of years were filled with drawing lines and establishing protocol.  We each had our priorities.  Putting the toilet seat down (mine).  Staying within a budget (his).  With every disagreement, every crisis, we worried—okay, I worried—if we’d have the staying power for a long-term marriage.

Time passed, and we settled into the routine of being a couple.  He put the toilet seat down, sometimes.  I rarely stayed within the budget, but to my credit, I always felt bad about it.

Then came kids, and the communication became essential as we conducted the military operation also known as taking the infant out for the day.  Who needed to feed the baby (me), who needed to get up in the middle of the night with the crying baby? Let me guess, that would be—oh yes—me.  Who would empty the malodorous Diaper Genie?  Oh yeah, buddy. That was you.

We talked plenty about the kids. How amazing and wonderful they were.  How they were like one or the other of us, or some other family member.  What simply phenomenal thing they had said or done that day.

As the kids got older, my husband and I talked less, simply because with four kids, who could get a word in edgewise?  We’re lucky—our kids still want to talk to us. They come bounding up to us to share something that happened at school, on TV or in the lineup of the Chicago White Sox. Everyone wants a chance to express his or her ideas.

Then, too, the lack of conversation hubby and I have may be because when we do have a chance to talk, we can communicate with a look, a glance, or in a verbal short hand.  

The other evening, my husband randomly quoted a soap opera- daytime drama actress that he and I had last watched a good 18 years ago.  I reminded him that I was probably the only person in the world who immediately knew who he was talking about. (Katherine Chancellor: Young and the Restless) We share a history that is unique to us.

But perhaps more important than words over the last twenty years, are deeds.  We’ve gone through relocations, job changes, and new responsibilities as parents and as caretakers for our own parents, as well as illnesses and deaths of loved ones.

I’ve been madder at him than I’ve been at anyone in my life, and, surprising as it may seem, he may have felt the same way about me a time or two.

But we’ve been each other’s foundation and support.  We’ve been each other’s in-home wikipedia and compass.

So although there may be times when we’re caught up in our busy lives, (where we can’t even celebrate our anniversary with a big whoop-de-do because of our schedules), I figure we’ll be okay.  Because after twenty years, we can still utter,  “I love you.” 

And that says it all.   

Pamela appears Tuesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Pamela on her blog Crazy is My Life.