Motherhood, one of the biggest, baddest jobs in history, requires no interview with your future boss(es). It's a little nuts, when you think about it. But what would a job interview for Motherhood (not the clothing chain) look like? What would the questions be? How would you answer them? I took a few common questions people encounter in "real-world" situations and imagined how I would have answered them before I had kids. The result? I was shockingly unprepared to be a mother.

Motherhood: What experience do you have in this field?

Me: Well, I have a niece and a nephew. I kept my niece, when she was three, all day once while my sister was at work. That was seven years ago.

MH: How did that go?

Me: Um, OK. Actually, she begged me to fix her cereal and then wouldn't eat any of it. I didn't get that. She also never stopped running around the house. But I'm sure that's unusual, right? I mean, I'm not going to experience any sense of deja vu with my own kid, I'm sure.

MH: Do you consider yourself successful?

Me: I have two degrees. I must be.

MH: No, I mean: Do you think you're good at mothering?

Me: Oh. Sure. I mean, what's harder than going to school?

MH: [sigh] Anyway. What do you know about this organization?

Me: Well my mom has worked here for some time now; she's kind of one of the experts in the field, even though nobody ever gives her any credit for anything. She says that's just part of the job, but I'm sure my generation will be the one to change that!

MH: Yeah. Good luck with that.

Me: I'm sorry?

MH: Nothing. Now, what have you done to improve your knowledge in the last year?

Me: Well, I've been reading The New Yorker. Sometimes I even finish an article or two.

MH: Anything about parenting?

Me: Well, no ...

MH: We have some very good trade magazines: Parents, Parenting, Wonder Time.

Me: Cool. Will they make me feel smarter?

MH: No. More anxious and less secure about your skills as a mother, actually. Unless you know how to make a quilt from old baby clothes. Do you know how to make a quilt from old baby clothes? Tell the difference between cereal that will give you cancer and cereal that won't? De-clutter your home while the kid's asleep?

Me: What does "de-clutter" mean? Will I have to do more laundry? I hate laundry.

MH: Why do you want to work for this organization?

Me: I'm beginning to wonder...

MH: What kind of salary do you need?

Me: I don't know. Sixty would be nice.

MH: You can't buy much for $60 at Target. I mean, that's admirable, but you need to be more realistic.

Me: Oh, I didn't mean -- I meant $60,000.

MH: Yeah, I knew what you meant. But your request was so ridiculous that I answered in kind.

Me: I didn't know Motherhood was such a smartass.

MH: What bothers you about coworkers?

Me: Oh, I'm pretty easygoing. I'm not big on people who whine a lot and can't do anything for themselves, but other than that, I can work with just about anybody.

MH: Tell me about your ability to work under pressure.

Me: Cool as a cucumber. Unless I lose my keys. Or my wallet. Or have to do eight things at once. But how much can that possibly happen while taking care of a kid?

MH: Are you willing to work overtime? Nights? Weekends?

Me: Oh, absolutely not. Is that going to be a problem?

MH: How would you know you were successful at this job?

Me: The same way I've known with everything else: Awards, of course!

MH: Don't you mean rewards, as in, intrinsic?

Me: No. I mean awards. Aren't there trophies for being a good mother?

MH: Would you be willing to relocate if required? You know, to a better school district?

Me: Um, would there be a bookstore nearby? A gym? A Starbucks?

MH: If you were hiring for this position, what qualifications would you be looking for?

Me: Someone who knows how to change diapers. I think that's going to be key.

MH: Do you know how?

Me: Well, no. But I'll just have my husband do it.

MH: Right. Good plan. How will you make up for your lack of experience?

Me: I've been doing some reading. Parenting books seem like they would be really helpful in real-life situations. For example, I read one where they say not to rock a crying baby to sleep, just to put them in the crib and let them fall asleep on their own so they don't get used to you rocking them. That makes a lot of sense, and I bet it really works. I plan to try that one.

MH: Tell me about a time when you helped resolve a dispute between others.

Me: Oh, I don't get involved in disagreements. I prefer to stand back and let them figure it out on their own. People can be very reasonable if you let them be.

MH: We're talking about children here, not people.

Me: Yeah. Exactly. Thank you. I meant to say, "Children can be very reasonable if you let them be."

MH: Do you have questions for me?

Me: Did I get the job?

MH: Sure. Yeah. Why not.

Me: Really? Because I wasn't sure there for a while ...

MH: Honey, we let everybody in. We just do these interviews to amuse ourselves.

Beth appears every Tuesday on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Beth at MotherBunker.