Last week I traded e-mails with a mother whom I've known since she was a child herself. Her mom contacted my mom (a retired dietitian) about the struggles Amy was having in feeding her son, who is a couple of months shy of 2 years old.

Here's how Amy described it:

Your mom gave me the fantastic book [Child of Mine, by  Ellyn Satter] after I had him. Everything was actually going really well in the eating department until the whole solid foods introduction. The problem was that he was a VERY slow teether and I was too worried about giving him food he couldn't chew... I feel like he's been teething the whole time and it seems like his gums always bother him and I'm wondering if that isn't what set him off foods.

What do you think??? I'll take ANY AND ALL advice!!!

Here's my response to her:

I hear what you’re saying and can completely relate. When they don’t want to even taste the food it makes me nuts – my son Jake (who is nearly 5) does this, though fortunately we have moved past the throwing-the-food-on-the-floor stage – a good thing since our dog was getting overweight!

Here’s how we handle the tasting thing in our house (most of the time):
Me: Did you taste your X?
Jake: I don’t like it.
Me: Did you taste it?
Jake: I know I don’t like it.
Me: If you don’t taste it, how do you know?
Jake: I don’t want to eat it.
Me: Then don’t eat it. Just leave it on your plate.

Feed the Kids What You’re Eating

You’re absolutely doing the right thing by going back to square one and giving him what you’re eating, one item of which is something he’ll most likely eat. But don’t knock yourself out on the “what I know he’ll eat” thing, because sometimes they don’t even eat the thing you’re sure they will. But if you’re providing a variety of items and bread on the side, you’re all set.

Provide Options in the Menu

Much as I love one-pot meals, they’re risky when you’re feeding a child. Meals that resemble the more traditional meat (or other protein) and 3 sides give more flexibility... even if my husband and I are the only ones to actually eat the sides!

And remember that what constitutes an “option” is debatable. In preparing the meal, you can often provide options that aren’t really options but the kids think they’re options and therefore they feel like they have some control. For example:
Me: Do you want your pasta sauce on top or on the side?
Jake: I don’t want sauce.
Me: Okay, then I’ll put it on the side. (And 95% of the time he pours the sauce from the side bowl onto his pasta.)
or
Me: Do you want your broccoli cooked or raw with dip?
Gemma: I don’t want broccoli.
Me: Well, then I’ll give it to you cooked (or raw, depends on my mood) and you can leave it on your plate if you don’t want to eat it. (She might be more likely to eat the broccoli if it’s a real recipe rather than just steamed with butter and salt, but I don’t always have time to do that.)

If You Provide Food, You Are Not Starving Your Child

I know how hard it is when it seems like he’s not eating anything at all, but trust me, trust yourself, trust Ellyn Satter, and most importantly trust your son. You are giving him the opportunity to eat, so you are definitely not starving him. It is not starving him to say: “This is what we are having. If you don’t want to eat it, don’t eat it. But this is what we’re having.” As log as you provide options and bread, your safe.

And I know it’s hard, but hold firm on this. It will probably be tough the first few days, especially if you’ve been serving him something else when he didn’t eat what you originally gave him. But hang in there! If you stick to the plan, he’ll figure it out soon enough. It might feel like an eternity to you, but I assure you he will not starve. Trust me: I’ve watched Jake go for days seemingly eating nothing and then out of the blue he’ll eat so much food it’s frightening.

Just keep telling yourself over and over: I am offering him food, I am not starving my child. He will eat what he needs from what I have served. For instance, just last night for us it was:
Jake: Can I have some yogurt? (very occasionally we’ll serve yogurt for dessert, and I suspected he was trying to get out of eating his dinner)
Me: I’m sorry but yogurt is not on the menu for dessert tonight. We’re having watermelon.
Jake: But I want yogurt! (can you hear the whine?!)
Me: I’m sorry but yogurt’s not on the menu tonight. If you’re hungry, eat your pasta. Or are you finished? Should I take away your plate?
Jake: No, I’m still eating.

And on those days when he does not eat and may start crying at bedtime with how hungry he is, do NOT give in. I know this sounds cruel but really: You gave him a chance to eat, and he’ll have a chance to eat in the morning. He will not starve to death overnight. My experience with this with Gemma (who is now nearly 7) tells me that this is easier to do when they go to bed shortly after dinner. If dinner is long before bedtime, this is harder to do and a snack might be in order, but the snack should be a revisit of the dinner.

It’s Not His Teething

And I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure his pickiness has nothing to do with his teeth or lack thereof. My kids were eating all kind of fruits and veggies when they had barely any teeth. And all of that stopped when they turned 2, and the pickiness went way up and it nearly drove me crazy. But I stuck to the plan and now Gemma eats salad, green beans, all kinds of fruit, etc. Jake is far from that, but he has another 2 years to figure it out. 

Another thing that makes me think it’s not his teeth is that he won’t try pasta when he used to eat it. That’s not a teething thing; that’s a power/control thing. He’s testing his limits and he wants to see what you’ll do. If you stick to the division of responsibility (you’re in charge of the what, when, and where of feeding him, and he’s in charge of the how much of eating), you’ll be fine.

Just stick to the plan and remember that it can take a long time for the kid to come around to a food. Seriously, I’ve been packing carrots in Jake’s lunch most days since February, and last week was the first time he really ate the carrots (and yet today they came home in his lunchbox again; oh well).

Ask the Real Experts

If you’re thinking of checking with your pediatrician, I’d say: Proceed with caution. I know that sounds crazy, but I can’t tell you the number of truly crazy things I’ve heard friends say their pediatricians have told them about feeding their children. If your pediatrician tells you that your son is not growing as he should, ask the doctor to recommend a registered dietitian and get that person’s advice. When it comes to feeding children, dietitians (not pediatricians) are the experts.

Nancy writes about food occasionally for TriangleMom2Mom.