Yes - all good points. I have a 10 year old girl that I am worried about as she enters he 'tween' years, and a 17 year old that I pray for every night - now THAT is the real test of parenting - and I am part of this website to see if I can pick up on pointers and ask questions as I face the days with them.

In retrospect, after having raised children to age 10 and 17, is there advice you could give others about how you raised little ones that helped, or that you wish you could do differently? Just curious. I sympathize with the nights praying for your teenager. Raising little ones is challenging, but raising teenagers is terrifying. Even for the best possible model teens, there are moments of sheer terror for the parents. I always feel better when I hear horror stories from other parents about their teens---sad, but true, it could always be worse. Focus on their blessings.

This is an excellent topic - my kids are now 12 and 9, and the days of diapering and naps are a distant memory.

The more you can check in with your older kids - do things with them that allow time for talking about the small things, like who's doing what at school, and what teacher is their favorite and why - the more you can subtly influence their choices. Although by the time they are 12, hopefully all of the things you've said (and done) over and over about manners, treating people with respect, etc., have become ingrained in their behavior.

I agree with Carol about the importance of time for talking. ( I have to make sure to allow this for my spouse as well!!) It becomes increasingly hard to find that talk time with teens.

About teen-talking: I remember lots of SAHMs that I knew, were always devoted and available for their kids until about age 12, when the moms suddenly went back to work, now that they had junior high school kids. Actually the kids probably needed more one on one time as 13-18 year olds than they did as 0-10 year olds. Don't assume your kids need or will need less time once they are teens.

Being the mom of four children fifteen through six, I do understand the need to discuss the issues of our older children. That is not to undermine the concerns of mothers with younger children, we once had those same concerns. I believe that even as your children become teenagers, we are still needed just as when they were younger. They are still learning their values, especially watching how their parents handle situations. I believe that process never ends, I am still learning from my parents.

With all due respect, is there a time that you believe is a good time for a mother to return to work? Your comments thus far seem to indicate not (unless I'm misunderstanding you, and please feel free to correct me if I am).

I do agree that it's easy for us moms of young kids to get bogged down in the minutiae of raising them. On the other hand, I tend to think that's at least partly because many parents have a fairly good idea of the values that they want to instill in their kids, and doing that job isn't about tricks and hints in the way that, say, potty training is. At this age, it's about the way you talk to your child, the character you demonstrate and the example you set. All of these are important, but aren't something you can buy a book to learn.

A really good book is "Have a new kid by Friday - changing the Attitude, Behaviors and Character of your kids in 5 days". It will not change your kids in 5 days (although he has testimonies of this), but it reminded me of the way I need to be 'the parent', live up to your word, and set expectations as they grow older, and how the back talk and sassiness are not acceptable.
A good one for girls 10-14 is 'Queen Bees and Wannabees', I've heard a lot of good things about it and I just bought it a few days ago. My 10 year old is already facing the catiness of one or two girls in her class, and she is facing issues, herself, when she has 2 friends over at the same time. This book is targeted at the little ^&*(%^ that can grow out of girls at this time of life, and how to help them a) survive without too much trauma and b) not develop too many of those bad behaviors themselves.
By the way, a friend of mine just asked about "cell phone rules" for her middle schooler, and I created a new post for this.

Thanks for the book recommendations. It seems to be challenging to find books about real teenage issues and how to do deal with them. A lot of the books I find just don't seem to deal with real life. I want to read about the nitty-gritty of life and how others parents successfully dealt with it.

My oldest is six, but I already can appreciate this sentiment. I literally, in the last month or so, have to come to the realization that the "hard part" is not behind me, it's in front of me. Potty training, breastfeeding, nap schedules, etc. are all a piece of cake compared to the adjustments you have to make when you realize that your child is no longer an extension of you and that you aren't the "end all" of her world anymore, but instead she is her own person; actually, the hardest part is when SHE realizes this. When you see your child dealing with friendship issues and finding your tongue getting tied around your message to be "kind and forgiving", but also wanting to say, "let her know she can't treat you that way!", then you know nothing is going to be as straightforward as "if you go pee-pee in the potty, Mommy will give you a red star on your chart" ever again. I think the change initially comes when your child is suddenly thrust out of your little cocoon and into the great abyss of the world (i.e. elementary school?). It does happen overnight, sometimes earlier than others and I know I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg. More than ever now, she is watching my every move...she can read now, so I can't even hide things by writing them or spelling them. The playing field has changed dramatically and suddenly.

Your comment is inspiring. I look back on those steps of parenting fondly --already!!! How'd my kids grow up so soon? Parenting is never over, but I feel like the mold is pretty well cast for my two at this point. Today is one of those rare special days when I feel totally joyful and proud of my older teens. I feel like they are productive members of society who will make the world more special place by being part of it. Nothing can compare to that feeling, for me. Parents may or may not be "friends" with their kids, but now, as almost adults, my kids are becoming closer and closer to my best friends. I truly like (love) the people that they have become. It's a very special feeling.

Don't misinterpret me: I am still part of the "enemy"--the adult authority that theens do not trust or relate to--from THEIR perspective. But from my middle-aged perspective, that teen perspective is healthy. But even as testing teens, I can already see that they are going to be super people. Adults worthy of repect from me--someday soon. They are independently interesting people with interesting lives, outside of my life and my perspective.

Oops

I am so happy to see other "mature Moms" weighing in. I didn't interpret anything as anti-going back to work. We all do what we do when we need to do it. I personally worked when my kids were small and stopped working when they were 10 and 7.

There are moments that reinforce to you that you have done something right as a parent...but they are not as concrete as "she pooped on the potty." When your kids are older, you have to listen carefully or you might not even hear about those moments. And here's a thought...next time you are impressed by the behavior of a friend of one of your children, make it a point to mention it to the kid's parents! They might not get feedback that they've done something well.

As for books...I reviewed a book called The Price of Privilege which I think is extremely relevant to tweens and teens today.
http://www.liveandletdi.com/my_weblog/2007/06/the_price_of_pr.html

If there is enough interest, maybe we should have an on-line book discussion. It sounds like there are lots of "mature Moms" out there who are struggling with these issues of what kinds of people we are helping to create.

Great idea!

let me know if the book discussion happens. No anti-going back to work intended. Only as an observation that as a sixth grade teacher I heard frequently from parents about how when their kids hit middle school, the mothers suddenly went back to fulltime work. It was a very common occurence. Perhaps that was not the best time, when kids hit middle school years, as major family transitions were happening at the same time as major social and school transitions were happening for the kids. Maybe other people have opinions of better times to make major transitions, or how beginning to work was a good time for them? I think like a lot of these decisions, the decision of amount of time away from parenting for both parents is very situation appropriate without broad generalizations.

The Price of Privilege presensts the kinds of issues I think are important for parents to think about. Not that potty-training is not important too!

check out the forum "hormone-vs-hormone, parenting teens" this week. Mom2teens said it all well in that forum. A good site to talk teen issues besides this one.

Do you think parents should require access to their children's facebook page? At what age?

All good posts -- I taught high school last year in the afternoon and volunteered at my son's kindergarten in the morning. I could almost see how the kindergarten kids with behavior problems would morph into teenagers without self control. These were little kids who didn't respect my authority and tried hard at not doing their work. Parents: it starts early! We're tough with our son and make sure he knows his manners and social norms so he'll be able to navigate the teen waters better than I did.

Alice Osborn, MA
www.aliceosborn.com

You're right! You can see the teen behavior in the kindergarten classroom! I echo your "start early" sentiment. My kids are both teens. I watched a video of them this week of when they were 4 and 7 years old. It was AMAZING how much they are the same now--temperament, frustrations, passions, etc. as they were in that video a dozen years ago.Their manner of speaking and topics,even, were the same! Creepy.

Help... Even at age 19, yep my son is still a teen BARELY, I want an occasional phone call. He's in CHINA for pete sake. The days of requiring communication, and pleading, requesting, expecting... are long gone. No, he didn't communicate much better coming home from kindergarten, though my patience was greater then. Any tricks of the trade to get phone calls from traveling teens appreciated!

This is a problem which we're all dealing with nowadays. In my case I didn't really have problems with my two sons, but a friend of mine has her son confronting with alcohol rehabilitation because things went way out of control. I hope that things will get better for her and maybe mothers will take this matter more seriously in consideration.

My daughter is 2 years old we just broke her from her passy she has been sleeping with us since monday because she has been running a high fever. I'm trying to put her back into her bed and she is crying now for hours what to do help?

Hi dmel30. Maybe try posting this same question in a new blog. people tend to read the new blogs more often, and you may get more responses. Different children respond to different sleep techniques. There is a classic "Farber" technique of getting kids to sleep on their own. He has a whole book about it, and I'm sure it's summarized online. Basically there are two approaches: 1) be tough, let the kid cry it out for a few nights, after which, it will be not an issue or 2) for more sensitive kids that need the security: wean the child gradually in steps back to her own bed. Dont make it a big issue by letting her get all upset. Put her to bed, sit by her til she falls asleep, come in and comfort her when she needs it, but keep her in her own bed. Likely she is especially needy of security right now with the passy removal, fever, and then being left alone in bed. Give her the extra comfort she needs, and hopefully, she'll be fine as she feels better. Easy to say, but try to stay calm about the issue, as she will pick up on your upset. You could give her an extra toy, or blanket, or light, or something "special" to be with her in bed. Of course, you may have to then wean her from it someday, but for now, it might comfort her.