A fascinating scientific phenomenon occurs during the summer. Microscopic organisms invade my closet and feast on my clothes. Unlike moths, which leave visible holes in material, these stealthy organisms almost seamlessly shrink my clothes.

I always discover it on that first nippy morning when I realize that it is time to pull out the jeans. With luck, I have time before rushing out the door to pull the jeans on, realize that they have indeed been invaded, shuck them off, pull on a pair of my favorite summer shorts, and shiver my way through the morning.

All of which means one thing:  it’s time to go jeans shopping.  Let the nightmare begin.

Now some of you may just breeze through the Gap, pick up your fav pair of size 6 low-cut jeans, and saunter to the cashier.  (You know who you are, and I’m trying not to hate.)

But for some of us who are more shall we say, Rubenesque, jeans shopping presents a few more challenges.

Yes.  I have hipbones.  I’m not ashamed, but I’d like for them to be covered by my jeans.  And also—I don’t like to see the crack of dawn, a crack in a wall, a cracked plate….are you following me here?  But apparently some designers don’t agree, and the low, low riders and even the mid riders assume that we will all spend our days standing completely upright so as not to risk arrest for indecent exposure if we bend down to pick up a pen.

I’d also like the waist size to be fitted enough so that the pants don’t have a huge gap in the back. That would also avert accidental plumber’s syndrome. (See paragraph above.)

Then, there is the new trend, the skinny jeans.  Didn’t we use to wear those with big shirts back in the 80’s?  I’m just asking.  (And in case you didn’t know, leggings are back too.  Oh joy.)

Some forward thinking designers have realized that although we moms may be mature, it doesn’t mean we’re fuddy duddies.  We want style.  We want edge.  But we also want a little elastic.

I tried on one brand of jeans today called Not Your Daughter’s Jeans.  They’re billed to be stylish, yet with a comfortable amount of stretch.  I tried on a pair in a dark wash, and found that while they fit me like a glove, I’d rather be fit like a mitten.  In other words, at this stage of my life, I can stand to have a little more cover.  Think of it like makeup.  I need a little concealer, foundation and a touch of powder instead of the bare faced 20 –year-old look.

Some of the upscale stores like Coldwater Creek and Chico’s have jeans for women, and while they look classy, they don’t always have that youthful edge we still want.

In the end?  I got a pair of Levi’s, boot cut.  They fit pretty well, were forgiving enough without breaking all of the rules.  The waistline, however, is a little low, but I’m hoping that it will be decent once I put on a belt.

In the meantime, however, if you see me drop something on the floor, save us both the potential for embarrassment, and pick it up for me, will you?

Pamela appears Tuesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Pamela on her blog Crazy is My Life.