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Queen of No
Today, I’m going to be the Queen of No.
Quite often, I try to accommodate.
“Mommy, can we stop by Krispy Kreme before school if I pay with my own money?” Maybe. Just this once.
“Mom, I have an activity after school. Can you pick me up 45 minutes later than usual?” Well, OK. I’ll rearrange the after school pickup schedule to get back to your school then.
“Mommy can we snuggle?” Even though the little angel hasn’t had a bath and it’s a half hour past bedtime already — fine. Come here.
“I forgot my lunchbox/backpack/shoes. Can you bring them up to school?” No problem. I’ll just make another hour long round trip of driving.
Sometimes, the requests don’t even come from my kids.
“Can you be an EOG proctor?”
“Can you drive kids to Chapel Hill/Durham/Greensboro for a worthy but completely inconvenient activity?”
“Can you help provide dinner for people you don’t’ know because an organization you’re affiliated with has committed you?”
Other requests come from total strangers.
“Can you donate to the Fraternal Order of the Police?” (Frankly, on this one, I’m always a little scared to say no.)
“Would you like to donate a dollar to plant a tree?”
“Would you like to spend $10 to buy popcorn that you’ll never eat?”
And, of course, there’s the person on the edge of the highway ramp holding the simple sign: “Hungry. Please help.”
Believe me, it’s not that I think these requests are wrong, but like hamsters in a cage, they just reproduce until I’m just inundated with pleas to do MORE.
Well, today, that’s not happening, because today, I’m the Queen of No.
For the entire day, I am going to blissfully, guiltlessly say “no” to every request. You may laugh, but many people, especially women, have difficulty turning down requests. It may be the way we’re socialized to be helpers and nurturers, but even the magazines that give tips on how to say no tend to equivocate.
A recent Oprah magazine article suggests that we soften the “no” with an “I’m sorry,” and explain why we can’t fulfill the request.
That may work sometimes, but there are days when my inner two-year-old self just wants to come out and do what I want to do when I want to do it. And that includes not doing what other people so often want me to do instead.
So today, “no” is my operative word. I think it will be liberating. Come join me, won’t you? Don’t say no.
Pamela appears Tuesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Pamela on her blog Crazy is My Life.
Crazy Is My Life
Four kids, two schools, a bazillion sports, a messy house and 90,000 133,000 miles on my four five-year-old van. Need I say more?
Pamela appears Tuesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Pamela on her blog Crazy is My Life.
Comments
I actually have my own built-in excuse since my inability to say no and my tendency to overcommit have actually thrown me into a couple major depressive episodes. So now people who really know me (including my darling 13 year old son!) will ask periodically, "Are you taking on too much?"
It is liberating. And it allows you to be selective about what you say yes to. It's only 5 minutes to my kids' schools and after being called ONCE about a forgotten lunch and saying, "No, I'm not bringing it" lunches have miraculously been remembered. Think about how cool it would be to devote yourself to one volunteer activity that you are passionate about instead of spreading yourself too thin (now, if it actually made you thin, I would be all over it!) by giving yourself away in little pieces!
You're right of course. Sometimes when one group asks for volunteers, I want to whip out the list of my other activities-- just so I won't feel so guilty. But I like your idea of devoting yourself to the activity you truly care about and make inroads there. Not only will you be able to help more, but you'll feel like the time is well spent.
Pamela, I totally understand. I feel the same way and that I have to justify why I am saying no to volunteer for something. I was asked to be the co-PTA president for the upcoming year. And I actually turned it down. I believe it was the first thing in my life that I have truly said no thank you to that I was asked to do. However, I ended up agreeing to being a committee chairman, so I'm not sure how successful my experiement was, lol.
I've learned to say (to adults AND my children): "I'm going to say no for now, but if I can work it out, I'll definitely let you know." As my husband pointed out to me, it's much easier to do things in that order than to have to go from yes to no.
Lilybug-- I love that approach. I'm going to put that to work. Thanks.