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Rites of Passage
From the time I became pregnant, my mind was awhirl with all of the steps of the pregnancy, delivery, parenting, etc. I was always looking toward the next rite of passage whether it is the first step, the first day of kindergarten or the day my daughter enrolled in driver’s ed. We anticipate the biological rites of passage that they will experience and make certain that we provide them with the appropriate information according to our family’s beliefs and style.
There is one rite of passage we are fairly certain our children will experience before graduating from high school, but we don’t want to prepare them. We keep hoping that our children will escape unscathed. What I am talking about is the tragic death of a peer.
When I heard the news of a local 13-year old who took his life, I immediately had that visceral reaction of, “What if that was my child?” It is a parent’s worst nightmare. My second thought was, how is my child going to react? How is he going to make sense of the senseless? What is this going to do to the fragility that is inherent in being 13?
Monday was the first day back at school after the tragedy. Over the weekend, the Facebook pages were full of comments and discussion. Some showed deep thought and empathy. Some showed a hardened disdain for the boy for taking his life. Some just exuded the shock and impossibility of the situation. A group was formed for kids to share their thoughts and fears and memories.
When my son came home from school Monday, we talked for a long time. It was a very tough day at school. It was very quiet. Only his last period teacher opened her class up for discussion. The rest of the day it was tiptoed around. There were counselors out in the hallways intervening where needed.
I didn’t have a manual for this. I remember talking to my children about their great-grandmother passing away, but she was well into her 90s and it is completely different. Here were the main ideas I tried to convey after listening to everything:
1. You can’t do anything about the other kids’ reactions no matter how much you disagree with them. If they are saying he was selfish, that might be what their parents told them and you can’t undermine what their families have told them to help them cope. If they are saying he was a coward, it may just be the only way they can fit their brains around it.
2. I also told him that when the boy reached that point of desperation, he may have truly felt and believed that he had no other alternatives and he felt so desperate that he thought those around him would be better off without him. I don’t think the deep darkness that precedes a suicide is filled with thoughts of how one would be missed or the sadness that would result.
3. I said that if he hears anyone saying that they feel responsible, if they had only…to reassure them that it’s not any one person’s fault. It is probably a combination of circumstances that are beyond the comprehension of his family or closest friends.
4. Finally, I told him that if he ever hears someone say things like, “my life is worthless,” or “I’d be better off dead,” don’t assume it is an exaggeration. You never know if there is a kernel of truth in that statement. Whether it is a close friend or just an acquaintance, you immediately tell a trusted adult and let the adults do the intervening and determining whether or not the person is serious.
This event will reverberate throughout our community and throughout our kids’ lives. I would really appreciate a manual…the wisdom of this community of Moms…to help me help my son sort this out.
Di appears Wednesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Di on her blog Live and Let Di.
Live and Let Di
Diane is a TriangleMom2Mom featured blogger, appearing every Wednesday.
I try to be the voice of Moms with teens. My daughter Haley is 16. She's at that age where she is convinced that I know nothing. I'm thinking I'll seem a lot smarter when she's 22. We bond over Broadway shows. My son Rory is 13. He started reading the sports page when he was 5 and his passion for anything sports-related has grown ever since. This year he beat out 9 guys in their 40s to win his Fantasy Football League. Watch for him on ESPN in a few years.
My husband Hurley works from home, but travels quite a bit. When he's gone, I usually take a break from making dinner and cleaning the house. Oh, I don't do those things regularly when he's here either! Our parenting philosophy is "choose your battles." The only problem is that we often choose different battles. It keeps it interesting!!!
Comments
I still can't believe I am taking my son to a funeral in a couple of hours. I have heard since that the 7th grade teachers got together on Sunday on their own time to come up with a plan to help the kids. I think the kids feel very well supported at their school. Another reason I am so proud of our community.
Di, I too am heartbroken about this child and his family! Even tho Eric is older than Jordan, he and his friends were talking about it Sunday afternoon as they hung out at the house....their comments were heartfelt and sincere. And saying they just couldn't imagine not "loving life". There is no manual, you are right! I wish we didn't have to have one! Someone so young, and seemingly a hopeless situation to him that he saw no other way out! At any age, suicide is sad. I had a friend (a grown adult) who took her life - it has been over 15 years ago and it still haunts me that I didn't see the signs and wasn't there to talk to her and let her know that "this too shall pass". We do not know the reasons for things that happen in life, but for the ones of us left to deal with these things; we must pull together and be there for each other! Thanks for writing this and thanks to each of the FVMS parents and teachers who are helping those kids! May God give them wisdom, patience and strength!
Very tragic...There is a 24 hour crisis line based out of the Triangle that anyone can call if they are having thoughts of suicide or are in crisis. It offers nonjudgmental listening and is confidential and anonymous.
It's called Hopeline and the number is:
919-231-4525
Pass it on to your kids and anyone else you think could use it!
For more info, check out their website at:
www.hopeline-nc.org
Di - I have been thinking of you and your son today. How did the funeral go?
One of my best friends from college committed suicide. Whenever I started to feel guilty that I could have done something to help her, I told myself what you told your son about the point of suicide being such a dark place that the person isn't thinking about the effects of their actions. That was the only thing that helped me.
Goodness Diane, I am so sorry to hear of this tragic event. It sounds like you have handled it for your family very well. The death of a peer or neighbor or friend is difficult under any circumstance but suicide is an entirely different level of hurt. I remember hearing about the losses of many people but none affected me as much as when my mother called me at college and told me Mr. Tinelli had taken his own life. I was devastated and my mother was at a loss as to why that had hit me so hard. I guess it was the thought that he felt he could not go on, to be that deep in despair. God bless you, your family, your community and I hope the students can learn something from this tragic story. I'm sure it will be difficult for years to come and I hope all keep their eyes open for signs that others are suffering. Also, all my best wishes go out to the choir director. Thank goodness someone knew CPR!
I too remember that call at college about Mr. Tinelli. I can't imagine what his wife and kids went through.
The funeral was probably one of the hardest things I have done as a parent. My son asked me why I was crying and there were so many reasons...seeing the parents, seeing the middle school kids unable to fathom what has happened, hearing the strains of two beautiful songs played by a guitarist and thinking about all the missed opportunities that may have awaited Jordan as he grew up.
For that hour, there were no cell phones, no texting, no middle school posturing and no fidgeting. I admired the kids for their behavior, but would have wished that they could have spent that hour laughing with Jordan in the cafeteria or sat around a table silently with everyone texting each other or whispered about who likes who.
One of his friends read a poem that he had written for her when her boyfriend broke up with her and it was beautiful and thoughtful and insightful.
Di-- how terrible this is for everyone, but especially for the kids who have to struggle to make sense of something that even as adults, we have a hard time understanding. I don't know how a place can be so dark for a boy so young, that he sees death as his best option.
But if this tells me anything, it says to go in and kiss my big, tall teenagers goodnight tonight, and tell them that no matter how bad things may seem, no matter how much I rag on them to take out the dishes or do their homework, no matter what fight they have with their friends, or what crisis they are embroiled in, they have reason to be hopeful.
Di - your comments about the funeral made me cry. I am still thinking of you, your son and Jordan's family.