Bedtime. Right before the clock strikes the magic hour, both Big Guy and Little Guy get the last of it out. They belt out songs (too much American Idol). They sarcastically insult each other. Until we turn the lights down and they finally concede. Then my favorite part.

It is not what you think. It’s not when their eyes glaze over, their faces look angelic and they’re on their way to sleeping bliss. It’s the few minutes right before. Right after the last book is read, when I get to snuggle next to these little beings.

You can spend all morning and afternoon talking with your children, but if you want to know what they are really thinking about, talk to them before bed. This is when all the dirt comes out: The playground scene, who got in trouble at school (could be mine!), the things they are scared of and the things they are planning. It may have started as a stall technique when they were little, but it has evolved into much more. It could only last for 5 minutes, but what you get out of their mouths proves the old saying “quality over quantity.”

So imagine my surprise when a few nights ago, Little Guy made an announcement. We were moving along as usual. I had turned out the lights and Really Big Guy had just finished making his pillow house. I went to lie down next to him for our snuggle time talk. He turned to me, grabbed my face in his hands, looked me in the eye and said, “Mom, I am big now. You don’t need to stay.”

First reaction: Laughter. This is my snuggle kid…the kisser, the hugger, the “tickle me until I cry from all the giggling” kid. I continued to move. Little Guy put his hand up to say “stop.” With all the seriousness he could muster up, he told me to leave. He was preparing for sleepovers and did not need me to sit with him anymore.

Second reaction - deep breath followed by some quick mommy processing. Of course Little Guy was getting big. Of course he was no longer the same little boy he had been when we started this habit. This wasn’t about little kid vs. big kid. This was about the disclosures that were to come.

I had been through this before with Big Guy. But I was never banished…I was gradually weaned. And I was more accepting because Big Guy had always been more independent. A few kisses, a few hugs and he wanted to be alone. Now we have an understanding. He gets under his covers and reads a book until we turn off the lights. Then he continues to read by flashlight until we either make him turn that off or he finally falls asleep. Somewhere in the middle, he expects me to pop back in, arrange his covers in the right order (there is an order) and lay down for a few minutes of meaningful discussion. Big Guy always graciously stops reading to appease me. As the clock in my head ticks away, I get all the good stuff…birthday plans, friendships, game strategies for Saturday, playground dynamics and questions about how you know when you are in love. He is polite, sweet and tolerant. He may even secretly enjoy this. But, after a few minutes he gives me the “Mom, you can go now” look.

I cling to these minutes with Big Guy as I remind myself that I am no longer allowed to hug, kiss or say “I love you” in any public place. We now have secret signals. I was reassured by the fact that I still had Little Guy for another year or two. Now I’m thinking that “had” is the key word.

I stare at Little Guy. He is looking at me with his big eyes growing more sleepy, waiting for my response. I crack a half smile as I realize where we are. Kids don’t sugar coat it. They don’t try to spare your feelings. Their gift is they tell it like it is. A constant reminder to us that our selfish desires are worthless against their needs. I can’t bring myself to try and explain that it’s not about him needing me, it’s about me needing him. This moment is so small, but so significant.

I hide my sadness and acknowledge he is very big. I gently ask for compromise. He agrees to let me kneel for two minutes to talk about anything he likes. Then, I go. I don’t even look back. This is the first step in a new direction.

Rites of passage. They inevitably come. The first steps, the first loose tooth, the first grade. The slowly breaking away. It’s just bedtime, but it is a glaring symbol of all that will be.

Get the snuggles while you can.

Illyse appears every Thursday on TriangleMom2Mom.com