Is four years too many when it comes to spacing kids? Melissa Johnson, PhD, a clinical psychologist with WakeMed Faculty Physicians' Pediatric Developmental Team, says no.

The Question: Our child is four and we're thinking about having another one. I worry that we've waited too long ... that my oldest will never bond with the next one. My husband and I are only one or two years younger/older than our siblings. Can siblings bond even when there are so many years between them? It seems like they'll never have anything in common.
 
The Answer: Parents often wonder about the perfect interval between siblings.  The good news AND the bad news is that there is no perfect interval!  Each one has advantages and challenges.  For example, siblings who are very close together can indeed become great playmates.  On the other hand, they can also be fierce rivals without a more mature sibling to temper the intensity.  With a bigger gap, the older one often becomes nurturing and enjoys being the teacher and being looked up to, while in other cases, the little one may be seen as a pest.  But if you look at all the factors that affect this relationship, including gender, temperament, interests, and how parents handle the typical rivalries, an age difference is only one factor, and is not necessarily the most important one.
 
One of those most important things that parents can do is to avoid the role of "judge and jury" and calmly insist that children work out most issues themselves, briefly separating them if they cannot, and ensuring that no one is being hurt or bullied. Otherwise, children need the valuable opportunity to learn about working out differences.
 
The specific question about how children are likely to do with a four or five year difference can only be answered in generalities until the real little person arrives in the family, but there are many five-year-old big sisters and brothers who love being the grown-up sibling and are a big help in entertaining and "teaching" the baby.  They might find the toddler or preschooler to be boring or a nuisance for a while, but that won't hurt them in the long run, and they may be a real hero coming back from college to help the younger one with a high school project!  The key is to enjoy whatever the unique situation turns out to be, and accept that there is much you can't predict.  Two good classic books about sibling relationships are Siblings without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and He Hit Me First by Carol Chase Haber and the Gesell Institute.

If you have a question about your kids, your health or related topics, e-mail it to me and I'll get them to the right person.

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