School is wrapping up, the temperatures are in the nineties and summer travel is underway. To honor the season, I wanted to share some tales of travel – more specifically travels by air with children. I have never had a root canal, but I am guessing it is about as much fun as flying with young children. Yes, there are those families that tell me their kids are great at the airport, but in our household we have never witnessed such a miraculous event. We returned from a trip a month ago and I am still worn out from the flight.

Before I get fully started, I want to set two things straight. First and foremost, I know that flying is a luxury. The pioneers would have traded their covered wagon for a TSA pat down any day. I realize this is a luxury, and I shouldn’t complain. But I am a woman, and we women complain.

Second, if flying with kids is such an ordeal, why do we do it? The answer is simple: Family. All of our family lives out of state. With limited vacation days and a low tolerance for road trips, driving to Colorado and South Florida is not a feasible alternative. I realize that family is much more important and I shouldn’t complain. But, once again, I am a woman, and we women complain.

So here they are a few personal tales of airport woe. I share them for you to enjoy and tuck away for future use. Whether you have your own tales of airport escapades or just are subjected to a five hour flight with a crying child aboard, I hope these tales give you the strength you need to make it to your destination.

Security and the Security Blanket: Do you remember Linus? He never let go of his security blanket. Our family has a Linus, too. She holds that blanket tighter than a boa constrictor holds its prey. TSA rules are TSA rules. No carrying blankets through the metal detector. On that sunny day, it took two grown adults to pry the blanket from her hands. The accompanying cries were so loud the airport safety team dashed over thinking that my child had sustained a life threatening injury. They saw no emergency and just walked away shaking their heads.

How to Get to the Front of the Line: As you probably know, Southwest Airlines doesn’t assign seats. Instead it is a semi-chaotic process that starts with standing in line. As we are waiting at the end of this very long line, one of my children (no names will be given) decides it is the perfect time for a tantrum. The tantrum is so large and so loud, the gate agent offered up the chance to jump to the front of the line to anyone who would sit next to us on the flight. There were no takers.

Give Me a Scream for Infant Ears: I warn you never to take an infant with an ear infection on a flight. Even on a good day, there is not enough Children’s Motrin in the world to stifle the pain of ascent and descent on those little baby ears. Add in the extra congestion of a full blown double ear infection, and it made 82 minutes of flight time feel like 82 days of scream time.

Constipation Correction: Like many kids, the change of schedule and food seems to leave my kids a bit sluggish down there. Forget prunes or Metamucil. All my girls needed as babies was the fasten seat belt sign. The seat belt sign dinged and the diaper filled. Every passenger on the plane suffered with the smell, while the captain, safely tucked in his cockpit, took an eon to announce “We have reached our cruising altitude. It is safe to move around the cabin.”

My children aren’t bad. In fact, I usually tend to brag how good they are. The underlying problem is that the rules of flying and the rules of children are in complete contradiction. Airplanes are about hushed voices and tiny spaces. Children are about screaming voices and giant spaces. Air travel is about light packing and minimal gear. Children are about over packing and tons of gear. Airport terminals are about following the flow of people and baggage carrousels. Children are about running the wrong direction and riding the baggage carrousel.

Subjecting my girls to travel by air is like taking a fish out of water - the shorter the duration the better. I try to improve the journey with an arsenal of toys, crayons, books and snacks, but the help those provide is marginal at best. The only cure for our airport woes is a few more years to let our girls grow older. Until then, I apologize to everyone who has ever been or may ever be scheduled on the same flight as us.

Gigi appears every Friday on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Gigi at her blog Stroller Lane.