"Bullying" is a term that will bring different pictures to the minds of people.  We all know toddlers and young children will 'bully' each other with and without menace, as they are trying to figure out the social rules as they grow.  But bullying in the teen years has changed dramatically since this mom was that age.

Teens today deal with all the 'usual' social angst and insecurities that we grew up with, but today it's compounded by instant communication via phones and Facebook.  A situation that would cool down by separation of angry teens is extended and expanded exponentially through these electronic medium.  And today, sadly, the consequences of bullying are far too often traumatic for not just the child bullied, but innocent bystanders as well.

Recently, my son's group of five close friends went through a bad stage.  It seemed that each week one of the guys was on the outs with the rest.  Too often lately, it'd been my son.  It peaked on a day when first the rest avoided him around the neighborhood and then, when they met up at a park, them leaving him there alone.  It ended that night with Facebook exchanges that definitely upped the ante.  It was devastating for him, and heartbreaking for me.

I realize our kids need to learn how to deal with such situations, but I have also learned in 20 years of parenting that we parents need to step in much more often than we're led to believe, because the fact is our teens are NOT adults, and they need guidance throughout the teen years.  I have learned that even when I was sure they weren't listening, they were doing so closely.

So after I said goodnight late that night to an extremely sad young man, I decided to email one of the boys' mothers, one I knew better than the rest; one I had learned through casual discussions on the sidelines had a similar parenting philosophy.  This was not a decision I made lightly.  You never know today how parents will react to being told their kids have done something wrong.  I have been called a liar, told my son was one, told I just needed to let them handle it and all too often been told there was no way their child could've done what I said.  So I was trepedatious, but I wrote it anyway.  I explained what had happened,  and admitted that the next time it could very well be my son who'd be one of the bullies instead of the 'bullee'.  I said I knew we could not force them to be friends or to talk, but that we could guide them to either be friends to each other or not, and stop the emotional roller coaster they'd been putting themselves on.  I asked for her advice and opinion, and requested that she tell me if she knew of ways my son had contributed to the current situation.  And then I sent it off, trusting cyberspace to convey my heartbreak, my fear and my questions the way I felt them, borne of a piercing pain deep in my heart and soul.

The next morning, I found a new 'village.'  You see, I've always believed in the idea of it taking a village to raise a child.  I grew up in a blue collar area where every mother was my mother, or just as well was, since I couldn't take a wrong step without it being back to mom before I got home.   Well, this mom called me first thing.  Her son had already told her the night before what they'd done, and she'd been appalled.  My note was the icing on the cake.  She called the other mothers and told them what had happened, and they too were on the same page.  The group of us talked and realized we each had found a heretofore unknown support system, right in our neighborhood.  They made it clear they agreed that it had reached the point for parental guidance, and handled it with each of their sons. 

The boys?  Well, let's just say that each of these parents got to see that the seeds of conscience that they'd spent 15 years germinating in their boys flower that week.  On the bus home from school, before they'd even heard they were in trouble, they had apologized to my son, righting his world with a few words.   They weren't off the hook at home, but the fact they'd owned up to their actions on their own was huge. 

It was, after all was said and done, both the best and worst of weeks.  All of us involved grew a bit more, and our boys took a few more step toward being responsible, compassionate young men.  I feel a sense of support I'd not felt before, and know the others feel the same.

Our boys will fight again, and no doubt they will drift in and out of friendship over the coming years.  We parents can't control that and shouldn't.  But through this incident I was reassured that no matter how fast society tries to hurry our kids along to adulthood, it's too early to throw in the parental towel during the teens.  And I have kindred spirits out there who have learned the same thing.  As I always say when talking about parenting teens, there's safety in numbers.