I really didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the first few days with twins. Perhaps I was afraid of scaring myself and perhaps I had a feeling how fruitless attempts to plan ahead might be. Mostly I figured we’d come home with two babies and endure days or maybe weeks (I’m optimistic) of chaos and then settle into a routine. I did not expect limbo.

I had my twins at Rex. My first two babies and all four of my nieces and nephews were born there so the birth center was fairly familiar. However, twins are delivered in the OR and this was new. I had never been in an OR. It’s a surreal experience to be rolled down the hallway on a bed. Everyone seemed to be looking at me from different angles. And there were a lot of people in the room. My husband said there were at least ten witnesses to our blessed event, many of them there “just in case.” Fortunately, I didn’t have enough concentration at the time to worry about “just in case.” I could only focus on voices and those strange lights hanging down that seemed more appropriate to an alien abduction scene than something from “A Baby Story.” An image that was later enhanced by the slight splatter of blood. (Sorry.)

I knew I was having twins. I had seen two babies on several ultrasounds and heard the separate heartbeats over and over. But sometimes there’s a difference between what you know and what you know. When twin B emerged there was still a sort of “there really were two babies in there” moment. Now, though, is the part I truly didn’t expect.

Even though I now know what it feels like to give birth to twins (no drugs so I know what it feels like), I don’t yet know what it’s like to be a mom of twins. My little boy, G, needed some additional care and is staying in the hospital for now. This isn’t tragic. He’s already making improvements and there are no concerns for his long-term health. But I have not seen the babies together since the first moments after delivery. After months of expecting twins, I’m home with only one baby and feeling very unsettled. It doesn’t help that I’m still wearing his hospital bracelet. I was asked to leave it on for security when I visit him. I already knew it wouldn’t come off until he came home.

The funny thing about this is that when I was still pregnant, especially those last few weeks, I imaged my babies battling for space and wishing for nothing more than to stop eating each others’ elbows. And now I worry about how little M must miss her brother. I whisper comforting words to her about how well he’s doing and how he’ll be home any day now. I try not to let on that I’m actually talking to myself.

Mandy appears every other weekend on TriangleMom2Mom.