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What if Your Child's Friend Died?
There was a gut-wrenching column in The N&O today by Ruth Sheehan about her son's friend who died after an asthma attack.
She poses an interesting question - what would you tell your child if their friend died?
Would you take them to the funeral or shield them from what actually happened?
Comments
I am thankful that I haven't been in that situation as yet. But I guess my answer to your question is that it would depend on the child (age, emotional status, how close the relationship was).
A friend of mine sent me this link from Hospice:
http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html
It describes how children of different ages perceive death.
For me, it provided useful information: e.g. avoid saying that someone "went to sleep," as the child might associate sleep with death thus creating nighttime issues, or that this happened because "they were sick," as the child might think that death always follows illness. It also gives permission to say "I don't know" when one doesn't know the answer to a question, instead of making something up.
The guide suggests introducing death in low-key situations: if your child notices a dead bug, use the opportunity to initiate a dialog/allow them to ask questions/find out what they think (as opposed to waiting until an emotionally charged event occurs and communication is hampered).
It gave me some thoughts about how to approach a sensitive topic.
What a tragic story. I am glad I haven't had to deal with it as a parent.
But, I did deal with it as a kid. Two of my friends died when I was growing up.
My friend Chris was hit by a car while riding his skateboard across a busy street in my hometown. I was 12 at the time. Matt was hit by a tractor-trailer on his skateboard - on the same street - two years later.
My parents did not let me go to Chris' funeral. They thought I was too young. I remember starting the school year a few days later and feeling lost that Chris wasn't there. I wasn't sure how to react or how to talk to my friends about it. I felt like my parents were hiding it from me, so I hid from it, too.
I did go to Matt's funeral. It gave me a sense of closure and helped me understand the tragedy. I got to hug his mother (who was also my 7th grade English teacher) and see how my friends were handling the loss. I learned that it was okay to be upset, angry and confused.
As a parent, I agree with triangletwins that it should depend on the situation. The article is helpful, too.
Five seems too young for a funeral, but from my experience, at age 12 I wish I had gone to Chris' funeral. I would have liked the opportunity to say goodbye to my friend.