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You Don't Say!
Sometimes I am amazed, flabbergasted and just plain gob stopped by the comments that come out the mouths of adults.
Like when I was six months pregnant with my second child, and the checkout clerk at Toys R Us told me I looked like I was eight months pregnant. I may have thought I was big, but I certainly didn’t need a stranger confirming that opinion.
Or when my husband and I would get on the elevator at the mall with a double-wide stroller that seated two little boys, while one of us held the hand of another little one. Onlookers would look at the boys, and laugh. “I’m glad it’s you, and not me,” they’d say. I was glad too.
Maybe it was when I was trying on clothes at a maternity store, again for that second child. In conversation, I’d mentioned to the clerk that my first child was a boy. She asked what this one was, and I told her it was a boy. She was doubly blessed, she informed me, because she had a boy AND a girl: one of each. I guess I was just singly blessed. Twice.
You know what I mean. Here, among friends, we’ve talked about some of the downright outlandish things people have somehow felt they could say to us about our children.
Fellow blogger Candace just wrote about how people act as if she’s slacking off when she’s splitting time between work and parenting. When they see her leaving work to pick up her children, they show their co-worker support by saying: “Man, I need to get me some kids.” Because you know, having children is an excellent way to decrease your amount of work and responsibility!
One of the most cold-hearted comments I’ve heard anyone tell a mom or mom-to-be was recalled by From Trike to Two Wheeler blogger, Jennifer. In the days after September 11, 2001 (you remember how we all felt), she was 34 weeks pregnant (you remember how THAT felt). At a restaurant, a stranger asked her how could she bring a baby into this world after all that had happened.
I don’t think we’re being over-sensitive to be outraged by the rude and sometimes hurtful things people say at a time when, as moms and moms to be, we are at our most vulnerable. Now that my children are older, I feel much more prepared to deflect this kind of offensive behavior. (My favorite: “Excuse Me?” Then pause, wait for them to stumble out an apology.)
Although we may not be able to straighten out all of those knuckleheads, we can certainly help each other out. So, from mom to mom, if you see a new mom, a frazzled mom, or a tired mom to be out there, give her a verbal hug. Tell her how precious her snotty nosed kid is. Express awe and amazement that she can juggle picking up two infants at the same time (that would be twin mom, Amanda). Empathize with her and admit that your kids act like hooligans sometimes too. Compliment the mom on her efforts to potty train her preschooler. And just take a moment to acknowledge how hard we moms work and how remind each other how outstanding we moms are.
Crazy Is My Life
Four kids, two schools, a bazillion sports, a messy house and 90,000 133,000 miles on my four five-year-old van. Need I say more?
Pamela appears Tuesdays on TriangleMom2Mom. Read more about Pamela on her blog Crazy is My Life.
Comments
I love your advice about helping each other out with a kind word. I've found that when my children are having a fit or I am frazzled, that even a kind smile from someone else can go a long way.
I remember a comment when I was about 32 weeks pregnant with Laurel and we went to Myrtle Beach. When we went out to dinner, we requested a booth and the waitress (who was a teenager), looked at me and said "Do you think you are going to fit in a booth? You are really big."
I blame how huge I was pregnant on the fact that I am very short-waisted. It had nowhere to go but out! I went to JoAnn fabrics and the very sensitive lady who was cutting fabric said, "Any day now?" I had three months to go. When I said, "No...three more months." She kindly added, "Oh...are you having twins?"
I left her and my half-cut fabric there and went home in tears.
We should write a book! The perfect gift for the pregnant Mom:
Thoughtless Things People Will Say and How to Respond!
I love it! Especially the "excuse me" part! I may try that one next time someone slips something stupid out of his or her mouth. I think my worst experience was when a friend didn't want to visit my daughter, whom was in the hospital, because she was scared that she would get germs from my sick child. Not that my daughter would get sick from her outside germs! The nerve.
I had very few maternity clothes, but one nice red dress that I thought looked pretty sophisticated until my boss sang out in a very loud voice that I looked "just like a big fat tomato!"
Teresa, Oh my goodness. That is both terrible and hilarious at the same time.
Just yesterday I took my kids to the store and three people asked if they were ALL mine, as though it was somehow unthinkable that I might have four children. I just smile and nod and refuse to let any of the comments stick with me.
But a couple of years ago I was coming out of that same store with only two kids when an older woman smiled at me and said simply, "You're doing great." She's the one I choose to remember.
Mandy, that's a great attitude. I will always remember the first time I ventured out alone with my two children. Trevor was 2 weeks old and Laurel was 18 months old and I was two weeks post csection.
I will forever remember the kind mother in the pediatrician waiting room who told me that I was doing a wonderful job becuase we had made it to the appointment and were all dressed in clothing. I say that loosely becuase I was wearing a horrible outfit, my daughter didn't match and my son's onsie was WAY too big for him.
She even was kind about putting my daughter's shoes on the right feet since I had somehow messed that up. Her kindness gave me so much confidence.
You're all so right-- it just takes a little kindness to turn a terrible day into a tolerable one. I guess that goes for everyone, not just regarding moms.
I watched Dr. Phil this morning (guilty pleasure on a snow day), and he said "Do people feel better after talking to you, or worse?"
Whenever we talk about world tragedies and injustices, it might be useful to think that adding each time we add a little kindness, it helps neutralize some of the bad stuff.
Pamela, I love that quote.That is a great thing to think about when you are intereacting with people.
great Dr. Phil quote.