Here’s a dirty little secret only a super close friend can share with you.  She’s not really that interested in your kids.  It may sound harsh; but it’s true.

Take my best friend.  No doubt, she loves me.  She tolerates my crazy thoughts, strange comments and shortcomings, which of course are many.  She knows all there is to know about me and still adores me.  She understands that if I perish in a tragic accident, she’ll have to help Really Big Guy raise the boys.  She’ll even make sure he doesn’t replace me too quickly with a much younger, much hotter version of myself – but that’s another blog.

Because of her connection to me, she’ll always care for my children.  She may even try to love them (though basically impossible) as much as she loves her own.   Yet I have learned not to mistake her commitment and caring about Big Guy and Little Guy for her being that interested in their day.  Their problems.  Their accomplishments.  

Sure, like a true friend, she’ll let me babble on about the three goals Little Guy scored or smile as I go on about how fabulously he behaved during his school performance. She’ll listen intently as I overanalyze a fourth grade dilemma that Big Guy is facing. For a minute.  

But then, she’s ready to move on. Since she is a real friend, she’ll just flat out tell me.  And it’s not just because she’s got her own kids and trust me, their accomplishments are FAR better than mine. Or that her kid’s problems are much more pressing. It simply means that she probably wants to talk about something else.  Something grown up. Something of interest to her.  There comes point in a true friendship when we realize what binds us together is so much more than our children.  

When we become mothers, we switch gears.  Our lives change. We come down with a bad case of tunnel vision.  For the first few years, it’s all about those little babies. When it comes to choosing friends, we naturally gravitate towards other mothers.  

Many of our friends became our friends because of our children. We met them in Gymboree, waiting at preschool pick up, hanging out at the pool, standing around a field, or striking up a conversation in front of the Rite Aid.  

As the years past, our children start to dictate what they like to do and who they want to play with.  We settle in to new schools and different routines.  And because of this, some friends fall by the wayside.  

But then one day, we notice that there are those few who remain. Through the phases and the transitions, they have held on.  It dawns on us that that although our kids may have brought us together, they’re not what’s keeping them around. These women are still here because they actually like us. Even more than they like our children.  

When we recognize this, we don’t mind the obligatory, half interested “that’s wonderful” our closest friends may utter when we ramble on for too long about our kids.  We don’t take offense when they mention they’ve been down that road with their children and our worries are silly.

Instead, we realize how lucky we are.

Illyse appears Thursdays on TriangleMom2Mom.