Free expression not for kids

I haven't been paying too close attention to John Rosemond's columns lately, but his headline caught my eye this morning: "Free expression isn't for kids." Read the column by clicking here.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding his point of view, but is he really saying that children should not be allowed to express that they are angry, happy, sad, mad about something? I agree children can be self-absorbed, but I'm confused why this would be a good way of combating that.

Isn't the goal to teach children how to deal appropriately with their feelings? How would not allowing them to express them teach them anything except that their feelings aren't valid? Or is that what Rosemond is saying: That their feelings aren't valid?

Rosemond and Discipline

John Rosemond offers some out of the box discipline techniques in his column today.

In a nutshell, Rosemond writes about parents who have:

1. Taking away a child's most loved toy when he won't poop in the potty.

2. Punishing a child, who was afraid of dark rooms or being left alone, when he followed her or refused to go into a dark room.

3. Telling a five-year-old, who liked to be defiant, that she needs to be obedient if she wants to show her parents that she really loves them.

I'm not sure these techniques really address the problem behind the discipline problem. But, it seems to me, that's really not what Rosemond is all about. And they appear to work for the families.

So what do you think of these suggestions? And do any of you have any out-of-the-box discipline approaches that have worked?

Spanking = Child Abuse?

A new study released today by doctors at UNC-Chapel Hill says that parents who spank their children with an object - a belt, switch or paddle - are nine times more likely to abuse their child through more severe means.

The findings come from a survey of 1,435 moms of kids in North and South Carolina. They were randomly selected to share details of the discipline they and other caregivers use in their homes.

Twelve percent of those moms who spanked 50 times or more in the last year admitted beating, burning, shaking or hitting their child with an object, according to a story in The N&O today.

Spanking is a controversial subject - we've already had some back and forth here on Mom2Mom. Many child development and health groups recommend against spanking. Here's what the American Academy of Pediatrics offers as alternatives.

What do you think? Do you spank? Do you agree with the findings of this study?

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Spanking

John Rosemond is all for spanking in his column today. He writes that a long-term study of parenting outcomes found that kids who were spanked score higher on measures of well-being and adjustment.

What do you think? Do you spank your kids?

Teen Social Bullying

"Bullying" is a term that will bring different pictures to the minds of people.  We all know toddlers and young children will 'bully' each other with and without menace, as they are trying to figure out the social rules as they grow.  But bullying in the teen years has changed dramatically since this mom was that age.

Teens today deal with all the 'usual' social angst and insecurities that we grew up with, but today it's compounded by instant communication via phones and Facebook.  A situation that would cool down by separation of angry teens is extended and expanded exponentially through these electronic medium.  And today, sadly, the consequences of bullying are far too often traumatic for not just the child bullied, but innocent bystanders as well.

Recently, my son's group of five close friends went through a bad stage.  It seemed that each week one of the guys was on the outs with the rest.  Too often lately, it'd been my son.  It peaked on a day when first the rest avoided him around the neighborhood and then, when they met up at a park, them leaving him there alone.  It ended that night with Facebook exchanges that definitely upped the ante.  It was devastating for him, and heartbreaking for me.

I realize our kids need to learn how to deal with such situations, but I have also learned in 20 years of parenting that we parents need to step in much more often than we're led to believe, because the fact is our teens are NOT adults, and they need guidance throughout the teen years.  I have learned that even when I was sure they weren't listening, they were doing so closely.

So after I said goodnight late that night to an extremely sad young man, I decided to email one of the boys' mothers, one I knew better than the rest; one I had learned through casual discussions on the sidelines had a similar parenting philosophy.  This was not a decision I made lightly.  You never know today how parents will react to being told their kids have done something wrong.  I have been called a liar, told my son was one, told I just needed to let them handle it and all too often been told there was no way their child could've done what I said.  So I was trepedatious, but I wrote it anyway.  I explained what had happened,  and admitted that the next time it could very well be my son who'd be one of the bullies instead of the 'bullee'.  I said I knew we could not force them to be friends or to talk, but that we could guide them to either be friends to each other or not, and stop the emotional roller coaster they'd been putting themselves on.  I asked for her advice and opinion, and requested that she tell me if she knew of ways my son had contributed to the current situation.  And then I sent it off, trusting cyberspace to convey my heartbreak, my fear and my questions the way I felt them, borne of a piercing pain deep in my heart and soul.

The next morning, I found a new 'village.'  You see, I've always believed in the idea of it taking a village to raise a child.  I grew up in a blue collar area where every mother was my mother, or just as well was, since I couldn't take a wrong step without it being back to mom before I got home.   Well, this mom called me first thing.  Her son had already told her the night before what they'd done, and she'd been appalled.  My note was the icing on the cake.  She called the other mothers and told them what had happened, and they too were on the same page.  The group of us talked and realized we each had found a heretofore unknown support system, right in our neighborhood.  They made it clear they agreed that it had reached the point for parental guidance, and handled it with each of their sons. 

The boys?  Well, let's just say that each of these parents got to see that the seeds of conscience that they'd spent 15 years germinating in their boys flower that week.  On the bus home from school, before they'd even heard they were in trouble, they had apologized to my son, righting his world with a few words.   They weren't off the hook at home, but the fact they'd owned up to their actions on their own was huge. 

It was, after all was said and done, both the best and worst of weeks.  All of us involved grew a bit more, and our boys took a few more step toward being responsible, compassionate young men.  I feel a sense of support I'd not felt before, and know the others feel the same.

Our boys will fight again, and no doubt they will drift in and out of friendship over the coming years.  We parents can't control that and shouldn't.  But through this incident I was reassured that no matter how fast society tries to hurry our kids along to adulthood, it's too early to throw in the parental towel during the teens.  And I have kindred spirits out there who have learned the same thing.  As I always say when talking about parenting teens, there's safety in numbers. 

Sex and the City

So, who's going to see Sex and the City this weekend? If you're going, are you dressing up? Are you going with friends? To a party first or after?

My sister saw it last night in Denver and said it was great. She loved the show when it was on HBO. I never had HBO but I've caught reruns, late at night when I can't sleep. I'll go see the movie, but I'm not sure if I'll get there this weekend.

Discipline or abuse

The murder trial in the death of 4-year-old Sean Paddock starts today in Johnston County. His adoptive mom, Lynn, is charged with his death, along with the abuse of two other children. Here's the story. Sean died after being wrapped so tightly in blankets at night that he couldn't move. He suffocated to death.

She had apparently been following the advice of Pastor Michael Pearl, who coaches parents on how to raise docile, God-fearing children.

I remember the story from a couple of years ago that outlined some of Pearl's child-rearing ideas. For instance, if a baby bites during breastfeeding, pull the babies hair. There are instructions for what to use as a rod for disciplining (babies under age 1, a footlong willow branch shaved of its knots apparently will do).

I'm not sure what that teaches a baby other than fear. But he has thousands of followers.

Can you imagine any reason for whipping a baby?!

Pediatrician Reccomendation for new moms in Raleigh and Brier Creek

I thought I'd share my our family's experience with Blue Ridge Pediatrics-  info below.Blue Ridge Pediatrics
3124 Blue Ridge RD # 102 (near Rex)
Raleigh , North Carolina 27612
Phone: (919) 782-0021or Brier Creek Location: WakeMed Medical Plaza, Suite 104 • 919-226-0662I have two boys, and both have been seen by Blue Ridge since they were born. The pediatricians there- Dr. Louis Allen, Dr. Ellen DeFlora, Dr. Nicholas D'Avanzo, and Dr. Deepa Vijay- have all treated my sons for various childhood aliments and injuries over the years. I cannot recommend the practice more highly.  The pediatricians, nurses, and office staff set a tone that puts the child first, and make it easy to get answers and treatment. If you call them after hours, one of the pediatricians will call you back (not an answering service or a nurse, but one of YOUR doctors). They will see you on a Saturday if your kid is ill, and you call and need to come in. They will do blood tests for white cell counts, strep tests, flu tests, and other basic tests there in the office, negating the need to go to an offsite testing venue with a sick child. They will come to Rex or WakeMed when you deliver, and are supportive of nursing moms. They have a phone nurse available Monday-Friday to coordinate care if you have a referral to a specialist or need a refill. These nurses are all extremely knowledgeable and helpful.  One other benefit- the pediatricians are packed with personality. Dr. DeFlora is the practical, Birkenstock-wearing Dr. Mom.  Dr. D'Avanzo is the soothing, "it will all be OK, let's just see what happens, and I'd like to see you back..." doctor, who was probably always the smartest kid in his class. Dr. Vijay is the approachable mom- she is petite and sweet to the kids, and can practically diagnose your kid just by looking at him.  She switches into no-nonsense mode during an emergency, so don't worry about her not being tough enough.  And Dr. Allen is a character out of a novel. He is hilarious, and will spend most of the visit telling you about his kids while observing yours. He will act quickly and decisively if need be, and to great effect.  He put my baby in the hospital after one elevated white count for what turned out to be an infection that would've been serious had he not acted so fast- and my child is perfectly fine today.

I'm a big fan of this practice, and they just opened another location at the WakeMed Brier Creek medical park. I thought I'd share because they've been really good to my kids, and they are the kind of doctors who deserve to be successful. Thanks for reading.