Two weeks ago, DJ “came out” to society. She was a North Carolina Debutante – WHOOP WHOOP! And now, it is time for her to get married. I mean, she IS 19, and she has officially been presented. Time is a wastin’.
To my knowledge, she has not had one proposal since the Ball which was on September 9. What the heck fellas? Her date was worthless. They’re “just friends,” and I don’t even think he wants to get married right now. What’s up with that?
Get the lead out men! We can’t wait forever!
To encourage some movement from the male species, I thought I’d list a few things that come with her. Her dowry.
Of course, me, which I would think should be enough. Who would not care for Bruce Ham in his aging days? I’m like a barrel of monkeys.
In addition, I’d like to offer a few other items of enticement. Spread the word readers!
- An inordinate amount of plasticware. Every time I have a party, I buy a HUGE box of forks, spoons and knives. I have a fear of running out of plastic eating utensils. I don’t have the same number of each, but am particularly heavy on the spoons.
- A full set of tan towels. OK, they’re old, from my college days, and won’t go but one shower without emitting a cooked in sour smell, but they are BROKEN IN and feel great on the bod.
- A box of handwritten AP Biology notebooks…just in case there’s a future surgeon interested…
- An octopus cake pan – not sure where it came from but I bet you’d struggle to find another one like it.
- DJ’s car (and the insurance payment).
- A slightly worn picnic table, an old lawn mower (I’m sure it would crank with a little TLC), and a weed eater with only one wire. I’m assuming you’d buy a house near me with a yard for my grandkids.
- A large box of number 2 pencils (in various stages of sharpening).
- Her college tuition bill.
- And… a green frog butter holder (great for rubbing down a cob of corn).
In addition, if you decide to elope, I’ll toss in an additional $500.
All inquiries should be sent either to DJ directly or to my email (I’ll forward them): firstname.lastname@example.org.
We’re ready to go (well, I’m ready and am sure I can persuade the eldest)!